How to keep your mug off the 6 o'clock news if you're a teacher (in 16 easy steps)

Is it just me, or are teachers stepping in it more and more often?

(This is a post in the Problogger group writing project. This week's task is to write a "how to" piece.)

Debra LaFave was not consulted for this article

Maybe it's a product of our voyeuristic culture and news, but every time I turn on the tv these days, there's another story of how somebody in the single most important occupation in the world has screwed up again.

I've decided to create a work sheet for new teachers, detailing how to keep yourself off the news. All you need to do is follow these sixteen steps, and you'll be getting that golden apple of service in no time.

School Administrators: Feel free to print this worksheet out and distribute amongst your own teachers.

(Every single one of these actually happened within the past few weeks).

----**begin worksheet**----

NEW TEACHERS! FOLLOW THESE STEPS:

1) When printing out ABC sheets for your third graders, make sure you didn't use the "Group Sex" font. In fact, it's probably a good idea to erase it from your computer all together. (Don't ask me how I know the name of that font.)

2) Always be on the lookout for wild animals in the classroom. Especially bats.

3) If you're feeling tired or depressed, don't steal ADHD medicine from your students. Instead go to a doctor.

4) Speaking of sticky fingers--if you're easily tempted, maybe it's just best if you don't sign up to be Treasurer for anything. Stealing from fellow teachers will pretty much get your career thrown into the toilet. And your ass kicked.

5) Every once in a while, a student will frustrate you so much you'll just have the urge to tackle and beat the crap out of him. Don't. Unfortunately, this happens often. Very often.

6) If you come across a student saying something in Arabic, it's probably ill-advised to tell the student "Because of you, our families died in New York!" Also:

7) When the principal asks you to leave because of number 6, you probably shouldn't try to wrestle your way back into the school and/or fight with police officers when they come. You'll get the taser.

8) Say no to crack.

9) As a matter of fact, you probably shouldn't hang out in crack houses, either. Every once in a while they get raided.

10) Even if you are a chemistry teacher, it's a bad idea to make explosives in the classroom. It's an even worse idea to let your students take them home with them.

11) If you're having a bad day, it's not okay to act like a complete loon. Instead, call in sick. That's what subs are for.

12) You don't always have to do something bad to get on the news. Just don't complain to parents you can't afford school supplies. (Though it is kinda sad you would have to. But if you want to stay off the news...)

13) Stay away from hookers.

14) When you're out in public, take steps to assure you don't have any wardrobe malfunctions.

15) If you have to let students draw blood in the classroom, don't let them use the same instrument to do it.

16) And for the love of God, when you're alone with your students, keep it in your pants. At all times. Seriously.

"Pffft. Amateurs."

***End Worksheet***