Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Peter Popoff owes me somewhere between $1,700 and $17,000

So I'm hanging out, channel surfing at midnight on a Sunday, and I come across a show on BET offering me guaranteed, untold wealth in a matter of weeks. That's nothing new, but after listening for a few minutes I realize I don't even have to do anything. All I have to do is have faith and call a 1-800 number to get a free packet of "miracle water."

Who is this dude, I wonder... This amazing preacher who is going to make me rich beyond my dreams? And like he had read my mind, his info pops up on the screen.


"Pay no attention to that lady behind the curtain."

Peter Popoff Ministries. Peter Popoff? Hmmm. Why does that name sound familiar?

But really, who cares if he was busted for being a fraud in 80's? This is the zeros, baby, and I'm going to be rich, rich, rich! Besides, you gotta read the testimonials on the website.

I must tell you…out of the blue, most unexpectedly came a letter from the Canada Teachers Pension Plan for $5,924.00. Wow! I was so surprised. It was as you said-from an "unexpected source". This will just take the "Krunch" off some of these bills, and I can breathe for awhile.
--Sister C. Tunkin, Queensville, ON

My daughter…is in her 4th year for Nursing. I put the red string above her front door. She told me her husband's uncle sent them a cheque for $48,000.00 to pay off all her university schooling debts! Praise God!
--Sis B. Roberts, Richmond, BC

You said that I would receive a new job and get $250.00 to $500.00 increase per month and already I got that job with the increase of pay over $250.00
--Sister Renwick, Mississauga, ON

Wow. Wow. Wow. So I dial the 1-800 number, talk to the computer, and order the free packet. I can tell The Prophet Popoff is excited about my call because he calls me back about a half hour later at 12:30 at night (when I was, uh busy) to let me know he got my info, and all I have to do now is wait while he prays for me and sends out my miracle. So I wait.

And I wait.

And I wait.

And, amazingly enough, it comes.



I was going to go through the trouble of scanning everything in, but this guy already has, and what he got is exactly what I got. The letter has a whole slew of crazy instructions like put a glass of water near my bed and sip it seven times and sleep with that envelope in my pillow. But I have to do it if I want my money.


And after I do that, there's only one more thing I gotta do.



Bam. Like a flyswatter out of heaven. My faith is crushed and smeared all over the counter.

I have to send $17? And that's what the "miracle water" is for? To slick up my hands so I can count out $17? What the fuck, Peter? Who do you think you are? A freakin' Nigerian princess? At least they offer me millions of dollars. And they don't care how dirty my hands are.



I'll send you a holy consecrated seed all right, biatch. So the "miracle water" is actually your miracle. You're turning .05 cent packets of tap water into $17.00.

I guess it really is. A miracle.

I have lost all hope. If you can't trust late-night, infomercial preachers, who can you trust? Who? *Sigh*

Here's a video of him being outed in the 80's by the Amazing Randi.

13 comments:

  1. I was skeptical at first, but when I waw the explanation (1 is the number of the father, 7 is his perfect number), it all made sense.

    Thanks for the useful advice. I will place my order today.

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  2. Unfortunately, there are corporate board rooms, much more organized and sophisticated than these lowly wack jobs. "Corporate churches" go so far as to offer investment opportunities to their flock, and franchise opportunities to ambitious preachers. Used to, all you could get in return for your investment was eternal salvation!

    http://www.covchurch.org/

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  3. That is funniest thing I've read in a while. Superb effort.

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  4. Er.... right. Like a bunch of water extracted out of his sink is going to help me get rich?

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  5. Wow, and i just thinking i have to work to get money. Stupid me

    [Qoute]I was skeptical at first, but when I waw the explanation (1 is the number of the father, 7 is his perfect number), it all made sense.[/Qoute]

    haha, indeed

    ReplyDelete
  6. What about Morris Cerillo, the guy that took over PTL club after Jim Baker and made off with millions saying he was going to buy back the PTL Club for its members and they never got anything from his money raising telethons? Here's a great website that is loaded with stuff like this - Everything from George Bush to lesbian warfare and the kitchen sink - www.Bestbraindrain.com

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  7. You must all send me $13,712...

    1 is for the one true God.
    3 is because that one true God is really 3 entities.
    7 is because there were seven baskets left over after the feeding of the 4000. (an obvious sign of abundance coming your way)
    12 is because there were twelve baskets left over after the feeding of the 5000. (an even bigger and more obvious sign of the same)

    Pay up, everyone!!!

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  8. Shocking. Some people crawl across this planet without the slightest hint of shame or embarrassment.

    This guy must not have parents, for I know if my child ever did something like this, I would beat the shit out of him at the next family barbeque.

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  9. How can he even talk like that with a straight face?

    "Hallelujah!"

    I was mighty pissed about the interruption when they called, BTW.

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  10. Anyone got a deck of race cards lying around? Somebody ought to play one on him for airing that commercial on BET.

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  11. We are students from Katanning Senior High School. We thoroughly enjoyed your comments. This bloke is ridiculous! What a conartist that kicks people at their lowest point. Someone needs to give him a beating!

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  12. Peter Popoff is a douche.

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  13. His last name says it all, popoff, that's all he does, he's a FRAUD!!!

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