Tuesday, December 19, 2006

2007 Psychic Predictions

I was going to do this next week, but Problogger's most recent contest revolves around this subject, so I'm going to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

As some of you know, I was once employed as a telephone psychic. And as everyone knows only extremely skilled psychics are allowed to work in that renowned industry. Which means, of course, I am 100% qualified to make these predictions.



These are my predictions for '07. Three per month. I absolutely guarantee at least one will be right each month, proving my psychic prowess.

January

1. First Wii controller death.
2. France declares war on Luxembourg
3. There will be violence in the middle east.

February

1. Wii is recalled.
2. McDonald's admits what's really in Chicken McNuggets.
3. Republicans and Democrats will bicker about something.



March

1. Somebody on a reality show will go berserk and kill somebody.
2. Olson Twin beaver shot.
3. There will be lots of college basketball games.

April

1. Condi knocked up.
2. A scientist will make real-live zombies that eventually kill him and eat the neighbors.
3. It's going to rain in some parts of the US.


May

1. Dick Cheney resigns after admitting he's the one who knocked up Condi
2. Lynn Cheney shoots Dick in the face.
3. American Idol winner is announced and some people will be happy while others will be disappointed.



June

1. Hilary Duff xxx tape
2. Youtube snuff film
3. A car accident somewhere will claim someone's life.

July

1. The new Harry Potter book will come out and Snape and Hermione hook up.
2. Clay Aiken proves he's straight
3. I see many explosions and fire raining from the sky early in the month, sometime around the fourth.

August

1. Vanilla Ice comeback.
2. The sun will go supernova, ending life as we know it.
3. A professional baseball player will strike out.

September

1. Somebody gets killed by a pack of chihuahuas
2. Scientists admit they've cloned an army of zombie humans, and they've lost control of them.
3. A teacher will be arrested.



October

1. Oprah xxx tape
2. The Loch Ness monster will come out of the loch and eat a whole busload of nuns.
3. Somebody will say or do something that will offend a whole ethnicity.

November

1. Michael Jackson's face will fall off.
2. Blair Underwood will announce his candidacy for president
3. A celebrity will say something really stupid and the news will make a huge deal out of it

December

1. Aliens invade earth and wipe out New Zealand.
2. The hottest toy of the season will be a spatula fat kids can use to get out of their chair.
3. By December 15th, 98% of the US will already be sick of the next year's presidential election.



This time next year I'll tally up my score and see how right I've been. I'm going to give myself 5 points for every correct guess in the correct month and 2 points for every correct guess out of month.

My goal is seventy-five points.

25 comments:

  1. These are great, but you missed that blogs will be replaced...

    http://joshmaher.wordpress.com/2006/12/18/2007-prediction-blogs-will-be-replaced/

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL I'll be interested to see if you've hit on any reality here. It is certainly amusing, at least!!

    We also participated in this project, stop on by if you get a chance!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's going to be a great year. You don't see me winning the lottery, do you?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow.Now you talking like Nastradams.Great predictions.
    I have also participated

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your gift is uncanny! How do you do it?!

    --Mama of four

    ReplyDelete
  6. You need to really get over your obsession with Blair Underwood, Matt.

    ReplyDelete
  7. He needs to stop talking to me telepathically, then.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow those are pretty good. But lets just say that none of them are right at least one of those months... What do we get out of the deal?? **kidding** Or am I?

    The one I am most looking forward too is Michael Jacksons Face Falling Off... Its way over due..

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Oprah XXX has me a bit concerned, Yuck. Some interesting predictions there, sir. I think you may be onto something ...

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG! You almost made my beer come out of my nose! This is definitely going on as one of my favorites... LOVE YOUR LIST.

    I worked on a psychic phone line too... I had one lady call me and ramble on for 45 minutes about the man she loved but shouldn't... she just wanted me to listen. Then I had some drunk lady call me and ask me were her car keys were... she stayed on the phone for 15 minutes while I said... "um, did you look in the couch cushions?" "uh, are they on the table under the beer bottles?" and stuff like that :)

    I like your images a lot too!

    I found your site from the Problogger Predictions and Reviews participant list and thought I'd pop over and say hi.

    Cheers,

    Writing Aspirations

    ReplyDelete
  11. fdoflol ... what's one step lower than a 'professional' psychic?
    ... I'm thinking of an answer...

    ReplyDelete
  12. LOL, Matt! Good job. ;-D

    And Mary asked what's lower than a "professional psychic" -- I'm thinking maybe whale poop...?

    ReplyDelete
  13. this is some of the funniest shit i've read all year

    ReplyDelete
  14. I would say that September and October's "guaranteed" predictions are sort of foggy compared to the clear "of course this'll happen" that we see in the other months' lists.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I recommend checking your predictions against the results of a free psychic reading by my psychic: Ms Sara Freder.

    She is The Millionaire's Psychic.

    http://iseeyourfuture.blogspot.com

    See you on the veranda,

    Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.

    ReplyDelete
  16. These are pretty darn great however you should check out,psychic radio show

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