C for Cookie

This is hilarious. I haven't seen V for Vendetta yet, but in the meantime, I'll settle for the Sesame Street Version:

Nigeria Update

I shamelessly stole some questions from another fine individual on the 419eater.com forum who has done something similar (he's given permission for others to use the same questions), and I sent them to the nine spams I've received since I made my last post.

Something interesting I learned today. If you find something that says "'I dey oooooo" or similar in your guestbook, it means a 419 scammer has already harvested the emails for spam. It's a warning to other scammers not to approach the same people.


After a brief introduction letter, I ask them the following questions:

Q1- Can you tell me in a few words who you are?

Q2- In which country do you live?

Q3- Are you working in the 419 business?

Q4- When did you start in the business?

Q5- What inspired you to start?

Q6- Are you successful in the business?

Q7- What are the laws in your country regarding the 419 business?

Q8- Are you afraid you will get caught?

Q9- In the west, Nigeria is best known for 419 scams, why do you think most scammers operate from Nigeria?

Q10- What is the situation in your country?

Q11- Is the situation in your country the reason you started 419?

Q12- Are you working for yourself, for an Oga or are you an Oga?

Q13- What is the total amount you made using 419?

Q14- Do you ever feel bad for the people you take money from?

Q15- In newspapers we sometimes read of people who lost everything because of a scam, resulting in losing their homes, cars, and remain with a large debt by banks and friends. How do you feel about that?

Q16- We also hear stories of people traveling to an African country to finish a deal, and then get kidnapped, or even worse, murdered. How do you feel about that?

Q17- Have you ever seen a victim in person?

Q18- Have you ever kidnapped a victim?

Q19- Have you ever murdered a victim?

Q20- Do you think the 419 business will ever stop?

Q21- Where do you get your 419 scripts from?

Q22- How many successful scams have you pulled so far?

Q23- Do you think you will ever quit the business?

Q24- Where you do get email addresses from?

Q25- How many people in your country are involved in the 419 business?

Q26- Do you know other people in the business?

Q27- What is your current living status?

Q28- If you have children, would you introduce them in the 419 business?

Q29- Do you have a job other than 419?

Q30- How do people in your country feel about 419 in general?

Q31- Are you worried that 419 is ruining your country's reputation?

Q32- What do you feel about the United States?

Hopefully I'll get one or two responses. I'm expecting either silence or an insult.

Let's make some friends from Nigeria

Ever since I signed up for this new blog, my gmail spam folder has gotten a lot of usage. I'm actually pretty impressed. It has eaten one or two real emails, but very few spams make it into my real inbox.

Uzoma Fashion. I hope I can make friends with this guy.

Most of this spam are sad tales of woe from Nigeria or the Ivory Coast regarding passed away relatives and abandoned bank accounts with millions upon millions of dollars lost in them. Or more happy mail about me winning an International Lottery. I must be the luckiest guy on the planet. I've won about 30 international lotteries in the past week.

Anyway, I'm going to forward the next five I get to an alternate email address and then respond. I'll post the conversations here. Note: I'm not going to actually "scam bait" them, not while there's a possibility they can find out my real name. I am going to ask them some straightforward questions and hope they respond.

http://www.419eater.com <----A hilarious, informative website on 419 scams. ¡Warning! Once you start reading the letters on there, you won't be able to stop.

Dear God, it's me, Matt

Please stop trying to kill and/or injure me.

I'm not sure what I did to piss you off. I haven't listened to a King Diamond album in ages. I have a story in a book that gives its profits to the Salvation Army. Sure, I'm not sure if you even exist, but come on! Does that really matter? I'm sure you'll be more than willing to throw a "I told you so" my way when I die... naturally, without your help.

I thwarted your dastardly plan to give me eye fungus. Plan 2, have me walk right into a black widow in my dark carport was foiled as well. Your mistake was simple. The damn thing was so freakin' huge, I saw it in the car headlamps as I pulled in.

I took pictures.

"I'll get you next time."

and

"I'm on a mission from God."

I'm aware of your third plot, too. Just because you put it in the vending machine at work doesn't mean I'm going to eat it.

*If I never post in this blog again, it probably means I've been struck by lightning or I died in a horrific car accident on my way to work today. That should be taken as incontrovertible proof that a) God does exist and b) he reads Blogger.

My Eyes! My Eyes! They're fungusated!

My wife likes to sign up for free samples on the Net, and as a result our poor mailbox is filled almost daily with packets of bleach, cat treats, coffee makers, alligator clips, and everything else that could possibly be got for free.

About two months ago we received a small bottle of ReNu MoistureLoc contact lenses cleaner solution from Baush and Lomb. We hadn't got around to opening it when the recall hit. You see in early April the CDC announced they were investigating over 100 cases of Fusarium keratitis, aka HOLY SHIT I HAVE EYE FUNGUS AND I MAY GO BLIND, and even more disturbing, a very high percentage of these people were all using this particular Bausch and Lomb specialty solution.

Coincidence? B&L claims it is, but they issued a recall anyway.

Today, two weeks after the recall, my wife gets this email:

From: Bausch and Lomb
To: meredyth
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:05:06 -0700
Subject: Important message about ReNu solutions
Dear Meredyth,

Our records indicate that you had requested, received, or may receive (shipped before 4/11) a sample of Bausch & Lomb ReNu with MoistureLoc multi-purpose solution.

At Bausch & Lomb, our highest priority is the health and safety of your eyes.
For that reason, we have temporarily removed ReNu with MoistureLoc solution from store shelves, and recommend that you discontinue using ReNu with MoistureLoc solution for the time being. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. For answers to any questions you may have, or to view updated information regarding ReNu with MoistureLoc solution from CEO Ron Zarrella, please visit bausch.com.

As we continue to work with government agencies, research institutions, and experts around the world, we are doing everything possible to resolve this situation and ensure your safety.

During this time, we ask that you use Bausch & Lomb ReNu MultiPlus multi-purpose solution - trusted for years by over 20 million contact lens wearers. If you have not tried ReNu MultiPlus solution, you may want to ask your eye care professional if it is right for you.
To receive a coupon for a free 12-oz. bottle (up to $8) of ReNu MultiPlus solution, visit www.bausch.com/renu, call 1-888-666-2258, or write us using the following address:

Bausch & Lomb ReNu brand Fulfillment Center
108 Metropolitan Park Drive
Liverpool, NY 13088-7939

We encourage you to always follow the contact lens wear and care recommendations of your eye care professional to enjoy safe and comfortable lens wear.

We thank for your support. We value your trust, and remain committed to earning it every day.

Sincerely,

Bausch & Lomb

Part of me wants to commend Baush & Lomb for being proactive enough to track down those who got the free sample and warn them--in the roundabout way that they do. But the more bitter, cynical part of me can't help but wonder why it took them so long. I guess they don't really have to let us know. Pretty much anyone who wasn't living in a cave heard about it when it happened. It's not like they tracked down consumers who purchased it the old-fashioned way, those who have larger, eviler bottles.

ewwwww. Eye Fungus.

Doesn't matter. I will, for a while at least, think of eye fungus whenever I see a Bausch and Lomb product sitting there in Walgreens. Kind of like I used to think E-coli and dead children when I saw a Jack-in-the-Box. (That, I got over the moment I tried those cheese/potato wedge/bacon bits things. That's freaking 720 (!) calorie heaven in a grease-stained box right there.)

I wonder if supermarkets who utilize those shopper cards ever use them to warn customers about recalls of products they've purchased. Furthermore, I wonder if that opens them up to even more lawsuits. Ahh, but that's a topic for another day.

AW's Hairy Monday Meme

So here's the Absolute Write Monday Meme. For those of you who aren't Absolute Writers, Dawno, the sparkly mod of the blog forum on Absolute Write thinks up one of these things every Monday. And we, her faithful minions, answer them.

This week's questionnaire is more chick oriented, but I'm going to answer anyway.


1. What length do you currently keep your hair?

Medium length for a dude. My profile pic is less than a month old.

2. Is that different from 5 years ago? 10? How about when you were a teen?

Five years ago, it was pretty much the same. Ten years ago it was pretty long. At its longest, it touched my butt.

I'm on the left. The other guy is Steve, who is now an award-winning photographer

3. What color is it naturally?

Brown. Though it's turning gray. I got my first gray hair at 12.

4. If you color your hair do you like to go for natural or colorful (like pink or blue, etc.)

In high school, I used Just for Men. I don't bother any more.

5. Ever done something really dumb with your hair?( I’m thinking back to the poodle perm I had once…)

I've done all sorts of dumb crap to my hair. Shaved it, turned it into a giant mohawk, dyed it green.

6. What about the hair of a mate or date do you/would you find attractive?

I like dark hair and/or red on girls. The longer the better. My wife's hair is awesome:

"Of all the studs out there, Matt is the studliest."

7. Do you have a long standing relationship with a hairstylist or barber? If so, why? If not, why not?

No. I'm not a chick.

8. What celebrity hair do you like best? Least?

I don't know. I like Bruce Willis' hair.

9. What hair fad of the past do you think was the silliest?

"I have no depth perception."

10. If a hair genie gave you one hair wish, what would you wish for?

I would wish for hair I didn't have to wash or comb.

Well there ya go.


awmondaymemes

Book Publishing and the Bottom Line

Via Boing Boing we have (Tor Editor) Anne Louise's article P&Ls and how books make (or don't) money: part the first: the mass market original complete failure.

It is one of the best articles I've read on the net about P&L (Profit and Loss) from a book editor's point of view. Anne Louise comes up with a fictional book (Crighton is an Idiot... haha.) and crunches numbers, showing how this theoretical book lost money, showing how much is paid for an advance, printing, promotion, and art.

The whole thing is interesting as hell, and it underscores the importance of finding an editor who is in love with your book. But it also shows the danger of having a book that doesn't do well. In this example, the book does terribly and the author's career is shot, at least in the short term.

Lesson: It's okay not to earn out an advance if the publisher makes money. It's very, very bad if the publisher loses money. Especially if it's a lot of money.

We got motherfucking snakes!

I've never considered myself much of a bandwagon jumper. Sure, I love Sopranos and I had neon, fat shoelaces back when they were cool, but if I looked at something and thought it was stupid, or annoying (parachute pants, anyone?) I wouldn't play.

Still, I took one look at this:



And after I realized it was a real movie (though that's not a real ad for it), my first thought was: Holy crap. Must. See. Snakes. On. A. Plane. It wasn't until afterwards I realized the movie had become an internet phenomenon before any promos had even come out. Entertainment Weekly just published their ten most anticipated movies of 2006. The list is:

10. Clerks II
9. Cars
8. The Devil Wears Prada
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
6. Little Miss Sunshine
5. The Break-Up
4. X-Men: The Last Stand
3. Snakes on a Plane
2. Superman Returns
1. The Da Vinci Code

SOAP is number three. The article goes on to say:

RELEASE DATE Aug. 18

WHY WE CAN'T WAIT Do you need a reason beyond the brilliant tabloid-headline simplicity of the title? How about the presence of pulp master Samuel L. Jackson as the chief snake handler?

THE PREMISE Jackson is a U.S. Marshal escorting a Mafia trial witness aboard a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles. To silence the snitch, Mob saboteurs check onto the plane a time-release crate carrying 400 deadly serpents of all sizes.

SOURCE An original screenplay by John Heffernan and Sebastian Gutierrez

THE BACKSTORY Usually, a studio will trim a thriller so that it earns a less restrictive PG-13 rating, but the anticipation among fans was so palpable that New Line ordered reshoots in March to make the film more R-worthy, adding more gore and raunch.

BURNING QUESTION Can this movie live up to its hype, or will it leave mayhem-hungry fans hissing?

COME FOR Jackson, getting medieval on some reptiles and dropping 12-letter expletives as only he can

STAY FOR The long-MIA Julianna Margulies, as a flight attendant, and for comic relief, Saturday Night Live's Kenan Thompson as a passenger. (Does this film even need comic relief?)

These reshoots happened after the explosion of popularity, thanks mostly to Fark. And they're keeping it R-rated. How awesome is that? I can't wait to see Kenan Thompson's face bitten off by a viper. (Take that for abandoning Kel, you bastard!)

It's the title. It's all about the title. Snakes on a Plane. That's the movie. Snakes on a Plane. It's all you need to know.

I'm predicting 150 mil. Easy.

Earth Day, by Devin Townsend.

I was just listening to Devin Townsend's brilliant 2001 album, Terria. The song "Earth Day" gets me every time. Freaking brilliant.

Plus, how can you not love the skullet?



These are the lyrics:

Earth Day, by Devin Townsend copyright 2001 Devin Townsend

Eat your beets, recycle...recycle...
Don't eat your beets, recycle...recycle

The message is; 'THERE IS NO MESSAGE'

Babe, you better not ever think,
Staring into the drink...get out of my mind...
Cause I may not be the one to say,
is there no other way we could do this another day?

I saw God.

She said...'If you don't believe me, guaranteed you'll never leave me'
On your way, and out of my time
But I didn't even know if it was true or just a result of chemicals

Shut up and think of something more important to say...
'Sometimes I think that in every straight there's a gay!' Something or nothing a whole either way it's a way,
it's a way, it's a way, it's away, it's away
EARTH DAY, EARTH DAY, EARTH DAY, EARTH DAY
it's a way, it's a way, it's a way, it's a way
EARTH DAY, EARTH DAY, EARTH DAY, EARTH DAY

It's your birthday, it's on Earth Day,
Like a child you're born again, little child you're bored again...
It's your worst fucking day, it's on Earth Day...
Little lies to cover up...please make your mind up

(Eat your beets, Recycle...recycle...)
(...Don't eat your beets, recycle...recycle)

Man Overboard (I'm so far away)
Man overboard (I'm so far...)
But fuck it! ...I really don't care
Fuck! Listen to me! Just shut the fuck up!

Peace, Love, Joy
Man overboard (I'm so far...)
Hate, hell, war
Hate, love, love, hate, love, hate...destruction!

So just shut your face and take a seat
Because after all, you're just talking meat...and music?
Well, it's just entertainment folks.

Sometimes I think that I really have something moreto say...
'Sometimes I think that in every straight there's a gay!' ...forgive me for saying it blows either way, it's a
way,
it's a way, it's a way, it's away, it's away...

It's your birthday, it's on Earth Day,
Like a child you're born again, little child you're bored again...
It's your worst fucking day, it's on Earth Day...
Little lies to cover up...please make your mind up

Man Overboard (I'm so far away)
Man overboard (I'm so far...)

When Fan Fiction Attacks!

Lee Goldberg blogs about a woman who self-published a fan fiction novel set in the Star Wars universe, then put it up on Amazon. She claims the book was just for friends and family, but one has to send a copy of their own book to Amazon to initiate the "Search Inside!" feature. The woman's name is Lori Jareo and her book is (was) titled Another Hope (I guess that's in addition to the New Hope that came with episode 4.) The publisher is self-pub outfit Wordtech Communications whom I'd never heard of until now. For the moment the book is still listed on Amazon. (edit: it has since been removed) Catch it while you can. Some of the comments and tags are hilarious.

Her publisher's website is down, presumably because Lucasfilm Ltd. issed an order 66 on their ass, but you can look at the archive of the page here. Her personal website has also been Death Starred, but the cache is here.

As Goldberg points out, she isn't exactly oblivious to the copyright issues:

Q: Having set Another Hope in an already existing universe, I find myself wondering if there was any concern on your part regarding copyrights?

No, because I wrote this book for myself. This is a self-published story and is not a commercial book. Yes, it is for sale on Amazon, but only my family, friends and acquaintances know it’s there.

Q: I also wonder how far a writer is allowed to write in a world and to use characters introduced by another author?

If it’s not a commercial project, I don’t see any problem.

It's not a commerical project...but she's selling it on Amazon and Barnes & Noble (and offering it for sale on her website). What a moron. She even had the chutzpah to copyright her novel. She offered this disclaimer on the book:

The characters in this book are trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd. The publisher of this book is not affiliated with Lucasfilm.

Tsk tsk.

I've never been a big fan of fanfiction, but the fanfic community probably doesn't need something like this. It's just the thing to make the folks who own Harry Potter, Buffy, etc. start cracking down.

Shame on you, Lori Jareo.

Two week anniversary of the Penis Apocalypse

It's now been two weeks since the vasectomy, and I'm about 65% back to normal. The scar is still there, and some of those "self-dissolving" stitches are still stuck like little staples. If I was a dog, I'd probably still be licking it like crazy. It's definitely better, though. I can run and jump and play as long as I'm careful. I would, however, like to reiterate my vow to never shave that area ever again. The growing-back hair is currently in its sharp and stubbly stage, so I have the equivalent of two little morning stars thrashing around in my boxers.

This is a pic of a billboard from Chicago. We don't have any religious wackos in Tucson rich enough to put up ominous billboards except the self-serve car wash magnates. I wonder if the guy signed a lease beyond June 6th?

I do remember driving through Boise a few years back, and there was a giant billboard that showed a video feed of a preacher on his pulpit. I can't imagine how much that cost. Once I have my own religion, I'll do the same thing.

I've been playing with Library Thing. A very cool website.

This is my new blog

I'm currently porting posts over from my myspace blog, but it may take a few days.

Working the night shift in a large building

So, my partner at work and I've "volunteered" to submit a pictoral essay for the internal newsletter about working the late shift. We haven't taken any pictures yet, but I already have several in mind:

• The first floor hallway, completely empty. Like that scene from The Shining.
• Creepy McNasty passed out on the couch in the hallway, snoring.
• His cellphone, which used to be in his hand but now right there in the middle of the hallway, ready to be stepped upon.
• His backpack vacuum cleaner abandoned in the next hallway over. Also in the middle of the hallway.
• A parking lot crawling with several, moon-faced cats. They look at you with eyes that say, "I would kill and eat you if I thought I could get away with it."
• The serial killer looking guy sitting in the cafeteria with his obscenely hairy buttcrack showing. His eyes say the same thing as the cats'.
• A blacked-out smoking area outside on the balcony. All you can see are three glowing cigarette embers, floating around out there like fireflies in a cloud.
• A tent city set up in the gym so the loaders can sleep during their lunch.
• Them scattering like cockroaches moments after the light is turned on. Some of them hiss.

Yup. I can't wait.

Whataburger Hookers and Barbara Bauer.

Went to Whataburger again (I know, I know. But I like their French fries all of a sudden). The hooker was there again at the payphone, but she didn't say anything to me. But it for some reason reminded me of a subject I promised to blog about earlier today. Literary Agent, Barbara Bauer, Ph.D.

Not too long ago, the fine folks at Writer Beware posted their list of the 20 worst agents out there. Finding a literary agent is a long, difficult process. And it doesn't help when many of the folks out there pretending to help authors are really trying to prey on them. Here's a simple rule of thumb: don't ever pay an agent anything. Don't ever use an editing service "recommended" by an agent, either. Some agents do charge reasonable amounts for photocopying and mailing, but the few legit agents out there that do charge such fees take it out of your payment from publishers. Don't ever write a check to an agent. If they get paid by you, what's their incentive to find a publisher?

Anyway, here's the list:

"Writer Beware suggests that writers searching for agents avoid questionable agents, and instead query agents who have actual track records of sales to commercial publishing houses.

THE LIST:

• The Abacus Group Literary Agency
• Allred and Allred Literary Agents (refers clients to "book doctor" Victor West of Pacific Literary Services)
• Capital Literary Agency (formerly American Literary Agents of Washington, Inc.)
• Barbara Bauer Literary Agency
• Benedict & Associates (also d/b/a B.A. Literary Agency)
• Sherwood Broome, Inc.
• Desert Rose Literary Agency
• Arthur Fleming Associates
• Finesse Literary Agency (Karen Carr)
• Brock Gannon Literary Agency
• Harris Literary Agency
• The Literary Agency Group, which includes the following:
  Children's Literary Agency
  Christian Literary Agency
  New York Literary Agency
  Poets Literary Agency
  The Screenplay Agency
  Stylus Literary Agency (formerly ST Literary Agency)
  Writers Literary & Publishing Services Company (the editing arm of the above-mentioned agencies)

• Martin-McLean Literary Associates
• Mocknick Productions Literary Agency, Inc.
• B.K. Nelson, Inc.
• The Robins Agency (Cris Robins)
• Michele Rooney Literary Agency (also d/b/a Creative Literary Agency and Simply Nonfiction)
• Southeast Literary Agency
• Mark Sullivan Associates
• West Coast Literary Associates (also d/b/a California Literary Services)"

I bolded my new friend Barbara Bauer because of the what she pulled yesterday. An author posted the above list on her blog, and she recieved the following email:

Barbara Bauer, Ph.D. wrote:
Cease and Desist: Regarding your post of the 20 Worst Agents which you have copied from an Anonymous Competitor "Miss Snark," it is disparaging, and inappropriate as well as libelous and defamatory. Remove it promptly. Thank you. Sincerely, Barbara Bauer, Ph.D.

Website:
IP: 4.186.117.7

I just love it when pompous, arrogant fuckwits who make their money by ripping off naive writers threaten legal remedies. The recent Publishamerica arbitration shows what happens if the scammers actually show up in court. And it turns out, Ms. Bauer likes to toss out threats. She has for years. But she never actually delivers.

Making Light, El Linko of the Day-o, one of the most-read blogs about publishing, has some comments on this as well.

AW Monday Meme

Here's the question of the (Mon)day:

Are you some one who
(a) starts working on your taxes the moment you get your W-2?
(b) puts it off a bit but actually does it before April rolls around?
(c) a last minute preparer
(d) heck, I pay someone to do it for me

Usually A, but this year was a bit of a hassle 'cause I put off doing the stupid state taxes.

Are you a
(a) traditional paper and pen, put it in an envelope filer
(b) turbo-tax (or the like) all the way!
(c) heck, I pay someone to do it for me - who knows what they do

Turbotax online, all the way, baby!

If you could make only one change to the tax laws, disallowing total repeal of all taxes, what change would you want to see first?

Taxes are a pain in the ass. Make it easier. Or better yet, let us pick where a portion of our federal taxes go. If we can control just 10 percent, we'd end up with governmental agencies lobbying for our money, maybe even demonstrating they're efficient and worthy causes. Who knows?

If you get (or just imagine that you got) a refund - would you
(a) save it
(b) save it and immediately adjust your witholding so you get more money each month and Uncle Sam and you are even next year
(c) spend it on something you planned on getting with your refund
(d) rejoice in your good luck and spend it on something spontaneous and fun
(e) heck, I paid my refund to my tax preparer, this is just a 'reimbursement'

I'm adding my own answer to this one:

(f) Get it then wonder what the hell you spent it on three weeks later.

AWMondayMemes

Whine, Rant, Plug

Whine, rant, plug
Category: Music

First off, I'm never shaving my balls again. I don't know how the guys in pornos do it. This itching is killing me.

My knee has suddenly decided to hurt again, and it's starting to piss me off. It should be better by now. I haven't run on it in ten days. I'm ready to get running again, and I won't be able to if it's in pain.

I decided to make a Stupid Human Tricks myspace, just for the hell of it. (It's an old band of mine that is long defunct). I need to track down some more pictures and the cover art for the CD. If you read this, please add http://myspace.com/tucsonsht because it's kinda lame right now with only one friend.

Link of the day: You've probably seen the top ten most ridiculous black metal pics of all time. Well, here's the Other Top Ten Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time.

Ahh, Spring. Life has come full circle

This a completely true story, and it is less than an hour old.

I just love spring.

It's getting warmer, and that can mean only one thing: the hookers are coming back to Park avenue and S. Sixth. There are a few plucky ones who hang out all year, but now that the weather isn't so bad (it was 90 yesterday!) they will soon be out en force.

I just got solicited while going through the drive-thru at Whataburger at South Sixth and (Ajo?). The woman was about forty years old, Hispanic, and she looked like a normal soccer mom. She was pretending to talk on a pay phone just past the window, so when you drive away you're still going slow with your window down. It's a perfect setup.

"Hey, want your dick sucked?"

Those of you who know me, know of the saran-wrapped man incident of 1994. That also happened to me while I was at a Whataburger drive-thru window, and I do not eat there that often.

The Saran Wrap man made an appearance in my short story, "A Trailer Park Fairy Tale." He didn't say anything to me in real life, but in the story he asks my protag if he can give him a blow job.

Now it really happened. Full circle.

I always look back at that first incident as a sort of turning point. I was having a bad day, on my way home from a gig with my band. I stop at the drive-thru, and while I'm waiting, the Saran Wrap man walks by on the sidewalk in front of me. A completely naked, fat black man wrapped head to toe in what I believe is Saran Wrap. The man looks at me for a moment, and he keeps going. As I pull out, he is gone.

A fraternity prank? A mental patient? A guy playing sex games, suddenly kicked out and trudging home? I don't know, but it was one of the weirdest things I'd ever seen.

Just when you start to think life is falling into a pattern, an inevitable system that doesn't exist except to support itself, a wrench comes flying out of nowhere and tosses gears everywhere.

Yet life still goes on.

The very next day, after that incident, I started writing what would eventually become my first published short story.

The hooker isn't nearly as provocative, until you put it in context. The circle is complete.

Life is strange, it is amazing, it is horrible. It is forty hours a week, doing the same thing over and over. It is hookers at the drive-thru.

It is without pattern, no matter what they say. Even if there is a full circle, it doesn't repeat itself. This day, this new day is different.

It is spring.

Ladies, it's your last chance

So, I'm getting a vasectomy on Friday.

If you want your very own Mattling, you better act now. And watch out for my wife, 'cause she'd probably have an issue with that.

I keep having this waking nightmare of the guy sneezing right when he's about to plunge the scalpel into my balls. That would be just wonderful, and it'd be just my luck. I would have to move to some place foreign and be a eunuch.

I'm more traumatized by the prospect of having to shave my wang. I try to keep myself well-groomed, but it's gonna itch. And nothing is worse than itching in the incision area.

Anyway, my knee feels better tonight. A nasty bruise has formed, but hopefully I'll be better enough to get one decent workout in before Friday. I'll have to take a week off of running.

I submitted "The Star Lotus" to Orson Scott Card's Intergalatic Medicine Show. http://www.intergalacticmedicineshow.com It's a good, quarterly market. Pays .06 a word, which ain't bad. This is another long shot.

Link 'o the day:

ouch

Young Earth, Ninjas, and Grapefruit

I did it. My first 5K in over 10 years. 11,000+ runners.

I'm not dead. And neither of my legs have fallen off, though my left knee--which has always been the good knee--is swollen up like a grapefruit. I tripped and fell on it about 2 miles in and had to walk it off for about 200 meters. And now I can't remember if I'm supposed to put hot stuff or cold stuff on it. But other than that, it was a pretty flawless performance. For me at least.

My time? Thirty-one minutes flat according to my own timer (I didn't run the competitive, timed race because I didn't want my snail-like time placed on the internet). A terrible, shameful time to experienced runners. But well within my personal goal of "Finishing without keeling over." Next 5K goal is under 30 minutes. I eventually want to get down to a respectable sub 24 minute.

I'm glad I have Sundays off. Sopranos tonight took a hilarious dig at Young Earthers. Twas a good episode. Big Love was also great. The writers of that show have an uncanny ability to answer (or tease the answer to) questions just as they start to nag. I hope HBO keeps it.

Oh, and my Ninja story got its second rejection over the weekend. Another "Great Story, but Not For Us." On to the next place, TBA.

Link of the day: Race for the Cure