Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!



My wife can’t stand the guttural growls of the refrigerator at night.

People have looked at it. Nothing’s wrong with it except for the groans like a hungry stomach.

She screams at it in the middle of the night. Sometimes her words devolve into gibberish. She hits it, too. Then, on a particularly bad night for my wife, it stopped. I figured she fixed it once and for all.

In the morning, my wife’s side of the bed was cold. She wasn’t in the kitchen. I grabbed the refrigerator handle and opened the door. Light poured out.

And blood.


Monday, October 30, 2006

99 Words of Horror Contest: The Winner

There can be only one.

(I am really sorry this is late. I know you guys have been waiting all day.)

I would like to say this first go at having a blog contest was a pretty rousing success. I enjoyed reading all the entries, and I found a bunch of cool new blogs to read and writers to look up now and in the near future. I hope you have, too. (Blah, blah, blah more flowery crap you don't want read because you want to see the results.)

Without further ado... Here are the three runners up (In no order):



1) "99 Problems but a Witch Ain't One" by Jamie Smitten

A true piece of stream of consciousness flash fiction. It's one of those stories, when you finally get it, you say to yourself... wow. She sure got a whole lot crammed in there in just 99 words.

2) "Icicle Safety" By LittlePastor

Always be wary of those icicles...

3) "Mother Always Honest" By Kappa No He

She had to do it. Once again, an amazing portrait painted with so little words.


And the Grand Prize Winner is...
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(drumroll...)
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(fanfare music)
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"Midnight Snack" by Emeraldcite

Wife versus refrigerator. What could possibly go wrong?

Everybody head on over to Emeraldcite's blog and send him a big congratulations.

And just as a reminder, here's what the winner has won:
  • $15 usd to your paypal account (If you don't have a paypal account, you'll get an Amazon gift certificate for $15. If THAT doesn't work out, I will donate $15 to a charity of your choice in your name.)
  • A one-year subscription to the Absolute Markets Newsletter Premium Edition. Thanks to sponsor Absolute Write for providing the subscription ($15 value)
  • An e-copy of The Shivered Sky. (Value $8)
  • A physical, signed copy of Trailer Park Fairy Tales mailed anywhere in the world. (Value $10+postage)
  • A personal portrait of you hand drawn by a three-year-old named Lili (will be scanned and sent to you via e-mail). (Value $1,000,000)
  • Your story (if you wish) posted on this very blog on Halloween. (Value $0.12)
  • A spiffy badge to put on your blog alerting people of your greatness. (Value $0.98)
  • A warm feeling of accomplishment. (Value $62.98)
And just so you guys know, we had four other stories tie for runner-runner up and then several more for next in line.

Great job, everybody.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Meet the judges!

It's time to unveil the five and a half judges for the 99 Words of Horror Contest! While I had the responsibility of whittling down my favorite entries, these guys are in charge of actually picking the winner. Every single one of them related to me how difficult this task is.

Haha. Sucks to be them.

I've asked them to pick four favorites, in order. I'm assigning five points to their favorite, three points to their second favorite, and one point to their third and fourth favorites. Then I am going to tally all the points up. Anyway, let's meet the judges.

Judge #1

Laurie Ashton.

An accomplished freelance writer and tech guru, our favorite Canadian living in Sri Lanka is also in charge of Flash Fiction Friday, a weekly flash fiction meme every single one of you should totally check out.



If you put her name into a Google image search and you have safesearch turned off, you might get fired from your job. (Not due to pictures of her, of course. Heh.)

Judge #2

Liam Jackson.

Liam is the author of the just-released Offspring: The Call from Thomas Dunne Books, a division of St. Martin's Press. I haven't actually read it yet, but it's a supernatural thriller with angels, which makes it right up my alley. He also has an alcoholic dog, whose picture can be found on his website.



Judge #3

Amy Brozio-Andrews.


A freelance editor and writer of articles and reviews, Amy has written for many prestigious publications including Library Journal. Amy is also an editor and forum moderator for Absolute Write, one of our kind sponsors for the competition. Don't ever get on her bad side, 'cause word on the street is she's secretly a ninja.

Judge #4

John Parker

A screenwriter of supernatural thrillers (along with the occasional Disneyesque movie) and a friend, John is currently working on the book-to-television adaptation to The Shivered Sky. He is the most patient man in the world.

Judge #5

Meredyth Dinniman and Allison Tona


I needed a fifth judge and asked my wife if she would be willing to do it. Luckily for you guys, she's not just any chick off the street. She's degreed and has over ten years copyediting experience and has read every single chick lit book on the market.

Allison Tona is her hot friend who helped her pick out the winner when she couldn't do it herself.

She pretty much is some chick off the street.

And there you have it, folks. Your judges. Be sure to read the entries!

Stay tuned, winners announced Monday. (Tomorrow).

Saturday, October 28, 2006

George Allen must think Clive Barker is the Antichrist

This is not a political blog.

While I have opinions like everyone else, I try to avoid spouting them off here. First off, political rants tend to invite equally-venomous responses, and as some of you may know, it's pretty easy to drag me into a full-out internet flame war, and that's not something I want to do here. Secondly, I'm married to a person with a polar-opposite political compass as myself, and even though she has a nice ass, she also reads this and likes to comment on it when I'm trying to sleep.

But I am going to risk being prematurely woken up tomorrow because I have to say something about this whole George Allen/Jim Webb thing.


George Allen and the back of Jim Webb's head

In case you haven't heard about it already, Allen and Webb are running against each other for one of Virginia's Senate seats. The race has been pretty heated, and it began with accusations of racism against Allen, especially after the now-famous 'Macaca' incident. But that's not what I'm all riled up about now.

A couple days ago George Allen's campaign and then Drudge gleefully began to point out passages in a novel Jim Webb wrote in 2001 called Lost Soldiers. Most notably this one:



Drudge also goes on to say things like:
Webb’s novels disturbingly and consistently – indeed, almost uniformly – portray women as servile, subordinate, inept, incompetent, promiscuous, perverted, or some combination of these. In novel after novel, Webb assigns his female characters base, negative characteristics. In thousands of pages of fiction penned by Webb, there are few if any strong, admirable women or positive female role models.

CNN has a cover story tonight about the whole thing.

I've been trying to ignore this. I really have, but I was flipping through the radio dial on the way to work tonight, and I came across the Tammy Bruce show, and she was talking about it. She said, to paraphrase, that authors of fiction who write this sort of stuff can't just be making it up. There has to be something in their psyche that is horrible and evil. As a result, Mr. Webb must be a monster. A monster!

I don't have the words. I really don't.

Anybody who believes this... Anybody who thinks the morals of an author of fiction are represented in his work is an idiot beyond comprehension.

Imagine if this were true. Think of all the authors we would need to round up and execute because they must be pedophile ghoul serial killers who hate America and Freedom. Stephen King. Dean Koontz. Anne Rice. James Patterson. Clive Barker. Every Leisure Horror author. I could go on and on.




And for the record, the same thing recently happened in Texas as well, this time the other way around with a Democrat accusing a Republican of being a porn monger for writing a romance novel. Idiot.

I can not freakin' wait for November 7th to come. My wife and I will happily cancel each other's votes out, the commercials will cease, and it will be over. For now.

Friday, October 27, 2006

iPod Indian

Teh aliens who put the face on Mars predicted the iPod, this time in Canada!!1!! zomg!

Here's the Google maps page.



It really is an amazing picture. I really do want an ipod, especially now that the aliens have endorsed it.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Here are the entries to the 99 Words of Horror Contest



Entrance into the 99 words of Horror Flash Fiction Contest is officially closed!

Here's what happens next. I am going to sift through the entries, and I will pick out a group of ultimate favorites. Then I will send these favorites to the judges who will come up with the winner and the three runners-ups.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to enter.

The winners will be announced sometime during the evening of 10/30/06. The winning entry will be posted on this blog on 10/31/06.

Here are all the official entries to the contest, in no order. Be sure to read them yourself and visit the blogs of the writers involved and give them feedback. There's some really good stuff in here.

(If you don't see your entry here and you know you entered, and you know you emailed me to tell me you entered, then write me ASAP. Also I'm putting the name you display on your blog as your byline. Mail me if you'd like me to change it something else, like your real name.)


Rawhead Rex approves of all the stories submitted


"I Made This Lamp" By Sheepy

"An Inexact Science" By SMG

"Death By Lovecraft" By Arioch1066

"Witches Don't Give Candy" By Dan Devine

"Vanity" By Bellemanda

"Moving Day" By Dan Kelly

"It's Not All About Beauty" By TheOtherLauren

"They Are Actually Waiting For You" By Aya Soya Douya

"The Wendigo" By Max

"Untitled" By Larry Ketchersid

"The 99 Word Horror Story" By M. Starks

"Looking Glass" By LE

"99 Problems But a Witch Ain't One" by Jamie Smitten

"Icicle Safety" By LittlePastor

"Save Me Some Rolos" By Laura

"Tasty Treats" By Kate Thornton

"Untitled" By Dawno

"Midnight Snack" By Emeraldcite

"Headache" By Robert Muñoz

"Zombies" By Sam Beaven

"Regret" By Aural High Ground

"Life is a Rollercoaster" By Josie

"Mother Always Honest" By Kappa No He

"Exorcising the Demon" By Shaun Jeffrey

"The Bane of My Life" By Joanne D. Kiggins

"She" By Brian T. Jackson

"The Scarf" By Raymond K. Wong

"Sweet Addiction" By Chris

"A Binding Ceremony" By Larisse

"The Loft" By Lyn Gardner

"Julie's House" by Sophonax

"Morning Commute" by D. Whitlock

"Matt's Ineligible Entry" by Matt D


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Tuesday Update, 25 hours to go edition

Nothing too exciting to report, and I'm too busy at the moment to dazzle and raz-matazzle you like I usually do, so I will leave you with two things....

You have one day left to get your story in, one day left of me irritating you with reminders.

And two, this made me fall off my chair. I'm not sure why, but it also involves digit-eating Pandas, so it can't be too bad:

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Bridge

(This is my 200th post in this blog. Woohoo.)

So I just watched The Bridge, the "banned" Scientology docudrama. 'Tis very interesting. I wouldn't say it's "good" as it's about as low budget as you can imagine, but if you're even remotely interested in the subject of the Scientology cult, you should definitely track it down. (*cough*)



The movie was just released last month, and the director has already been forced into hiding.

Also, I have come to a disturbing conclusion. I think my old school, Sabino High, was a Scientology front. Check it out:

Sabino's logo


Scientology logo

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Forbidden Love: A true story of lust, betrayal, and a cell phone camera

Here is a true story starring one Michael Patrick McPhail, his wife, and his woman on the side.

It's a situation I think we've all been in a couple times in our lives.




"You are looking so good tonight, baby. Hot damn you are one fine bitch. I totally want to get up in that. What say you and me go out onto the porch and maybe hang out, see what happens? My wife won't be home for hours, baby. We won't get caught. Come on, baby!"



woof.






*smooch*kiss*lick* "Oh baby you make me so hot. I can't take it anymore. I must have you right now!" *Zip*





woof?




"Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!"




"Um, wtf? Listen, you're a good master and all, but I don't think... Hey, ow! OW!"




"Ungh! Ungh! Thas right, who's your daddy? Who is it?!"




"Hi Michael, I'm home! How was your... OH MY FREAKIN' GOD!"




"Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!"




"Get off the dog! Get off the dog right now! You're hurting her!"




"Wait, I'm almost there!"





"Just let me die!"




"I'm taking pictures with my phone! I'm taking them right now and calling the cops!" *Click*Click*




Here's a direct link to the news article via BoingBoing!.

Fun and Games at the Tanque Verde Swap Meet

I always get so jealous when I read other people's posts about these awesome festivals and celebrations and hootenannies they've recently gone to. I love stuff like that, but they hardly ever have them here. But we do have something that is unparalleled.

This:



The Tanque Verde Swap Meet, one of the largest swap meets in the American southwest. Here one finds aisle after aisle of wondrous products from around the globe (well, mostly from Mexico and the Asian counterfeit market). This place was the inspiration for my short story "Bad Karma at the Interstellar Swap Meet."

And on Saturday nights, the swap meet turns into a giant Mexican/redneck/hippie/homeless block party. Tonight we decided to go.



Right away I knew it was going to be a hoppin' night. The line of cars to get in stretched a half mile down the road, and parking was an absolute nightmare. We cheated and parked across the street.



It's difficult to properly describe the atmosphere. It's a bit like a perpetual carnival, and while they do have some rides and attractions, it's still mostly about shopping and eating. When you walk in you're assaulted by wave after wave of competing booths selling Mexican CDs, and it's like flipping through the radio dial in Nogales. People are everywhere. Kids are screaming. Mobs of teenagers stand in the middle of the aisles, laughing while they turn their heads sideways to eat their snocones and churros. The air smells like a mix of sugar and refried beans, but not in an unpleasant way.

One of the biggest burdens for many of these people is, of course, their children. Luckily there's a place for that:



The Little Theater, where tonight's show was Thumbelina. This is not a very accurate picture because usually there are no adults in the image. There is no supervision here. Parents drop their kids off so they can buy! buy! buy!

A lot of people like to munch on stuff, and every five or six booths you see these:



These wagonwheel-shape things they call fritos. I will forever associate the Tanque Verde Swap Meet with these like one associates Mickey Mouse with Disney. They couldn't properly exist without each other. One can buy a bag for a couple bucks, and people dump that chili sauce in there. Everyone walks around eating them. I had a bag once, and they taste like butt. Chili-flavored butt.

And when you get thirsty, you never have to walk far. In fact you don't have to move at all because they have these:



Yes, that's what it looks like. A golf cart with a keg on it. They're like ice cream trucks, but for adults. They roam the aisles like mosquitoes, people chasing after them, waving $3.50 in the air.

It's not a good idea to drink too much, however. You have to always be on your toes because the walkways also second as driveways for the vendors.



The best part is the sheer variety of stuff. One could literally shop here and nowhere else, ever. There are hundreds of shops, ranging from yard-sale like booths where they just have a blanket on the ground with dirty pots and pans for sale to permanent stores with cash registers and employees. They have real estate agents and satellite dealers. Furniture and appliance sales. We saw a booth where a guy was selling nothing but doors.

One can find hand made artwork:



The latest fashions:


I love the "butt" mannequins

Outfits for hookers:



A relaxing, quiet Chinese massage:



You can do your grocery shopping out of the back of a trailer:



You can buy presents for hippies:



Presents for pregnant republicans:



Presents for kids who don't know the difference:


Go, go Gower Rangers!

You can get your portrait done:

(There was a line of about fifteen people for this guy. He put a little kid in front of that blue screen, snapped a digital pic, hooked his camera up to a printer and printed out an 8x10 for like $10. Genius.)

You can go on a ride:


I do not let my kids on these. When they go, they sound like that cat three posts down.

You can buy your three-year-old a hat and not realize it has an evil, Satanic version of Boots the Dora the Explorer monkey on it until after you paid:




You can become a luchador:



A ninja or a samurai:



You can buy a ring for your grammar nazi sweetie:


For all your $1.00 jewerly needs.

You can even watch a real-life version of Cops unfolding at every intersection:



And that is only a handful of the sights and sounds of the 'meet. There is so much more I couldn't possibly fit it in one post. Porn dealers. Kids on leashes. Crazy homeless people screaming into the air. Security guards in watch towers. Chihuahuas wearing visors. Pregnant twelve-year-olds. City councilman Steve Leal ordering a tostado. The works.