The top 10 stupidest products (and services) people torture their pets with

I'm a big fan of animals (Well, not lizards, but that's a whole other story). I love dogs, cats, those rodent things that look like weasels but aren't. I've been a pet owner most of my life. I've managed to get by with two bowls, a leash, a pet carrier for visits to the vet, some grooming supplies, a litter box for the cat, a bunch of different toys, and that's pretty much it.

The other day I was surfing around, and I saw this treadmill for dogs on the net. A treadmill! I suppose it might be good for some dogs that are in training for the Iditarod, but for most dog owners? Have we really become that fat and lazy and yet... rich?

In 2006, 63% of US households were pet owners, and they spent an estimated $38.4 billion on pet products, almost double from just 10 years ago.

And that got me wondering. What other pointless, ridiculous, waste-of-money things are out there for pets? Here's the top 10 of what I found:

10) Ridiculous outfits

We might as well get this one out of the way. While I wouldn't ever begrudge a poor little chihuahua his winter sweater, or even a bit of fun on Halloween, you're taking it a bit too far, people. Swimming suits? Tuxedos? Cheerleading outfits? Sneakers.

Matching jewelry:

I don't know what the statistics are for pets turning on their owners, but I suspect a large number of them were forced to wear something like this the night before:

It's gotten so out of control, this is an actual product:

Yes. A wardrobe for your pet's clothes.


9) Pet McMansions and extravagant transport:

I guess--like the extravagant cribs talked about in the baby products list--if someone wants to spend $4,500 for such a ridiculous bed, it's no skin off my nose.

But what's the real message here? I bet the dog or cat wouldn't know the difference between this and a nice, fuzzy blanket. So is it an aesthetic thing? That might be part of it. But you know what I think? I think people buy these things for the same reason people spend $10,000 on a pair of shoes. Because they can. And not only that, but because you can't. Not only are they better than you, but their little dog is, too.

And if you're going to spend all this time coddling the crap out of Fluffy McNutterbutters at home, why suddenly lower him to common pet status when you take him out for a walk? Luckily there are several pet SUVS out there for your cats and dogs who are too good for leashes:

While I suppose the occasional walk to the vet or airport might benefit from one of these, most of these pet strollers are marketed as every-day products. Useful? Maybe. Silly? Absolutely.

Of course if a stroller is too cumbersome, cut out the middleman and turn your dog into the purse.

Yes, that's what it looks like.

8) The CatBib

No, this isn't a product to keep your cat's fur clean if you take her to Tony Roma's. It's a device you put on your outdoor cat that will prevent her from stalking and killing birds.

I guess it was designed because little bells are just too humiliating. According to the Catbib website:

Invented by a backyard bird-feeding, cat lover. The CatBib gently interferes with your cat's hunting skills, without interfering with any other kitty activities. It acts as a barrier coming between your cat and the bird your cat is after. Simply put...it gets in the way just as the cat strikes out for the bird.

I don't doubt that this thing actually works. But I'm pretty sure it stops hunting not because the bib prevents attack, but it makes the poor cat too humiliated and depressed to try to feed itself.

7) CDs and DVDs for your pet to enjoy:

I guess if you live in a nuclear fallout shelter that doesn't have windows, these videos might be a good alternative. But the music CDs? This one:

was made "under the guidance of (an) 'animal communicator." Uh-huh.

6) Dog anti-fart thong

I've owned several dogs over the years. At one time or another, all of them farted. Some of them farted a whole lot. No matter how bad it smelled, I would never consider this. According to the official website:

The Dogone - Dog Gas Neutralizing Pad is a comfortable and least intrusive means for deodorizing gassy discharges in a thong design. This will eliminate pet odors and dog odors from flatus or flatulence.

I see a couple problems. First off, I'm pretty sure there's a law out there somewhere that doesn't allow the words "thong" and "dog" to appear in the same sentence. Secondly, I'm pretty sure when they say "least intrusive," they mean "just put me out of my misery and send me to Burlington Coat Factory right now."

Here's my suggestion. Pet cologne:

or:

5) The PetSpa

"Help me"

It's a room you stick your pet in, close the door and they get all nice and fluffy. Here's the official website. I swear I saw something just like this on the Jetsons once. Most of the pets I've had all hated getting a bath or going to the groomers. So this is a quick alternative. A washing machine.

Here's a (hysterical) video of the Petspa in action. The video keeps getting removed from YouTube because of the Disney song attached to it, but I found it over at College Humor. It tells you all you need to know.

4) Pet Psychics

Your dog wants steak.

If you google "Pet Psychic," you'll find thousands of pages of professional pet psychics and "animal communicators" who will, for a small fee, tell you what your pet wants.

To believe in this, three leaps of faith need to be taken. First, you have to believe your animals have cognitive thought processes that will translate into things like, "I'm sad you didn't pet me a couple days ago, and quite frankly, I think your new boyfriend is an asshole." Secondly, you have to believe in telepathy, because that's what the animal communicators are doing.

And thirdly, you have to believe the particular animal communicator you've hired is adept at this.

I don't believe in any of this crap. Why? It's simple. If someone could actually do this, they would have taken over the world by now with their massive army of dogs, cats, bears, and sharks with freakin' laser beams on their foreheads.

3) Post Rapture pet care

There are people who believe that at any moment, they are going to simply disappear. Because of their strong Christian faith, Jesus will return, and they will ascend immediately to heaven. Everyone else left to deal with the ensuing chaos and coming apocalypse are the Left Behind. This is called the Rapture.

Unfortunately, the Bible is pretty clear pets aren't going anywhere. So who's going to take care of little Job the parakeet and Moses the iguana after you're gone? Jesus Pets, that's who!

Jesus Pets is a joke. A hoax. They are avowed non-Christians who promise to take care of your pet if the Rapture comes. The thing is, they don't believe the Rapture will ever occur while many Christians really do agonize over this.

I'm putting this on the list because this whole problem is ridiculous, a complete catch-22 for Christians who really believe this will happen soon.

My opinion? If you really believe that Jesus is coming any day now to take you away, and you care about your pets, give them away while you still can.

They're going to starve to death, and it will be your fault.

2) Doggie Cell Phone

You're lonely. Poochy is lonely. After your last session with the pet psychic, it's come out that she thinks you care more about your work than you do about her.

Yet the bitch doesn't complain when you bring the steak home. So you have a problem. You have to keep up the lifestyle she's accustomed to, but you really would like to spend more time with her. The solution? Easy.

A cell phone.

This is a real phone. Here's an article about it. You call the number, and the speaker on the collar automatically picks up, and you can have a two-way conversation with your dog.

The device also has a gps to track your dog if she goes missing. But that's just something they added to keep it out of the category of "batshit crazy."

1) Post death pet preservation

Look at these pictures:

Awww. How cute. What pretty puddy kitty all sweeping curled up in the light. And look at that guinea pig, all furry and smooshy and lovey. And the doggie resting by the door? Freakin' adorable!

One thing, though.

They're dead. All three of them.

They're stuffed. Taxidermied. And they all used to be someone's beloved pet. Someone who just couldn't let go.

Petpreservations.com is one of several taxidermy outfits who offer pet preservation. For a whole lot of money they'll take your deceased pet and give him back to you as good as new, minus all that troublesome eating and pooping and breathing stuff.

What a scenario. Imagine being a little kid, and having your dog hit by a car. He's dead. You cry, and you cry, and it's like the very world is ending. But eventually you start to get over it. Only one day, you come home and there he is sitting there in his favorite spot.

"Scout? Oh my god, Scout! You're alive! Come here, boy! Come here!"

Brains. Braaaaaaiiiinnns!!

If that's not at least $20,000 worth of future therapy, I don't know what is.

Sweet zombie christ. I get the chills every time I look at those, especially that third one of the dog.

(If that's too weird, you can always just have your pet turned into a diamond.)

And that's it. What a messed up world we live in.

Sometimes I wonder how people survived back in the old days. You know, like the 60's and 50's back before we had all this wonderful technology and all these cool gadgets.

As always, I'm sure I missed some good ones. Let me know, and I'll (eventually) post a follow-up.