Deadpool Update

My current deadpool ends on July 31st, and I have one week left to go. Here are my standings so far thanks to a late exit by one Ladybird Johnson:

1 Bruce Bennett Played Tarzan in 1930s movie serials DEAD
2 Jimmy Carter 39th US President, 1977-81
3 Fidel Castro President-for-Life of Cuba
4 Gerald Ford DEAD
5 Milton Friedman 1976 Nobel Prize for Economics DEAD
6 Billy Graham Televangelist
7 Paul Harvey Folksy radio quasi-journalist
8 Lady Bird Johnson Wife of US President Lyndon Baines Johnson DEAD
9 Jack Kevorkian Euthanasia enthusiast
10 Ariel Sharon Prime Minister of Israel

I gotta tell you, I'm a bit disappointed in my results. I figured I had both Fidel and Sharon in the bag. A score of 6 would've put me in the top, but it looks like it's not going to happen this year. Oh well.

I'm totally putting Lindsay Lohan on my list for next year.

What the hell is my fortune cookie trying to tell me?

I went to the Chinese buffet today for lunch. This was my fortune:

"After readying the every emotion, I see some understanding peer entering realm."

Um, Bob. I think we need to start drug testing the new hires over in the fortune department at the cookie factory.

I'm trying to figure this out, and I can't. There is no logic to it. Anyone?

I googled to see if this was a quote or something, but I could only find it mentioned in a few other places, all from people who also got it as a fortune.

(This wasn't the only time I've gotten a weird fortune.)

10 stupid things I really want to do, but would probably kill me

10. Go ghost hunting

I don't believe in ghosts, but I love those ghost-hunting shows they have all over TV. I think it would be pretty cool to spend the night in one of those supposedly haunted buildings running around with quasi-scientific equipment and getting all scared because a cat runs by.

Plus Meredyth likes that stuff, too, and it would get her hot.

probability of severe pain: 1%
probability of death: .05%

9. Learn how to rock climb

This is one of those things I want to do every time I see it on tv or in a magazine, and I get all jazzed up about the idea of going to the rock climbing place we have here in Tucson, which is fairly inexpensive.

But then I just don't do it.

But rock climbing in a gym isn't really what I want to try. I just want to do that to, err, learn the ropes. I really want to eventually try rock climbing out in the real world. You know, so I can screw up and get splattered all over the base of the cliff.

at the gym:
probability of severe pain: 10%
probability of death: 2%

out in the wild:
probability of severe pain: 50%
probability of death: 63%

8. Box

I think most guys have at one time or another put on boxing gloves and beaten crap out of one of their friends. But I'd really like to spend some time at a gym, learning how to hit a speed bag and spending some time in a real ring.

Unfortunately I doubt I'd be very good at it. Even though I'm a very-slightly-above-average 6' tall, I have these short little chicken arms, so I'd have to get real close before I'd be able to land a blow. I'd probably get my ass kicked even by Glass Joe.

probability of severe pain: 98%
probability of death: 20%

7. Blow something up.

Finishing out the Sylvester Stallone trifecta.

(down, Homeland Security. In a controlled, legal environment I mean.)

One of these days I'll make a blog post about all the things I've exploded when I was a kid, but there's only so much explosion one can get out of the stuff you buy at a Virginia fireworks stand.

I once knew a guy whose job was controlled demolitions at a mine. It was 99% planning and math and boring physics stuff and only 1% turning a key and destroying a couple acres of nature with a spectacular explosion that you can hear in the next county. I just want to be there for that 1% part. I want to turn the key. Maybe one of these days I can turn the key to blow up a Las Vegas hotel to make room for a new one.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

probability of severe pain: 5%
probability of death: 5%

6. BASE Jumping

I've bungee jumped, and I've gone sky diving, but I've never just run off of a cliff before.

BASE stands for Building, Antennae, Span, and Earth. Building is obvious, Antennae is something like a radio tower, Span means things like bridges, and Earth is things like cliffs and mountains. Once you've jumped off of all four you can apply for and get a BASE number. Those numbers are given sequentially, and they're currently at 1200 or so right now. So if I jumped off of all four of the BASE objects, I could be BASE-1210.

It should probably be noted that of the 1,200 people with BASE numbers, 111 of them have gone splat and died.


probability of severe pain: 50%
probability of death: 70%

5. Hang glide

I'll probably never do this because a) it's expensive as hell and b) I'll be dead from trying 10-6 first, but like base jumping, there's something alluring about it. Honestly I don't really know too much about the sport, though I once had a dream where I was hang gliding. I sneezed, and I plummeted to the earth. I was also holding Sugar Pie (Anna Nicole Smith's dog) at the time.

probability of severe pain: 40%
probability of death: 85%

4. Meet Chuck Norris

Who wouldn't want to meet Chuck Norris? This one is self-explanatory.

probability of severe pain: 98%
probability of death: 90%

3. Run with the bulls

Yes, it's ridiculously idiotic. Yes, it's terrible and cruel to the bulls (who get slaughtered in the bull fighting arena afterwards). But I've always wanted to do this. And since I've spent my entire life eating hamburgers and steak-ums and meatball Hot Pockets, I figure they should get a fair shake at evening the score.

Besides, I've always wanted an excuse to wear an ascot.

probability of severe pain: 75%
probability of death: 75%

2. Shark Diving in South Africa

I've always wanted to visit South Africa. I've always wanted to go scuba diving. I've always wanted to be put in a cage, submerged in water, and circled by creatures who wanted nothing more than to eat me. This is a marriage made in heaven.

probability of severe pain: 75%
probability of death: 75%

1. Run a marathon

Of all the things listed on here, this is probably the scariest for a couple reasons. For most of this list, the experience itself is the pay off. For running a marathon, it's all about being able to get to the finish line and being able to tell people for the rest of your life, I ran a marathon. Of all the things on this list, it's also what I want to do the most.

Unfortunately, I am no where near the conditioning required to run a marathon. In my current condition I can run three miles at a moderate/slow jog and survive (barely.)

probability of severe pain: 100%
probability of death: 20%

Well, that's my list.
How about you?

My shoes are racist, and my water is toxic

This world sucks. It's scary, horrible, and painful death lurks around every corner. Look at some of these dangers we face on this disgusting, vile planet:

• Milk sold by Wal-Mart contains a terribly dangerous growth hormone that will eventually kill you and your babies.
  
  
• We just learned reusing water bottles breaks down the plastic and poisons us, giving us stomach cancer.
  
  
• Drug dealers are traveling with dead babies, hollowed out and filled with drugs.

• A kid recently jumped into a ball pit at a McDonalds and pricked himself with a needle containing a hit of heroin. Now he has AIDS and bad teeth.
  
  
• Random gangs are luring children into washrooms and cutting off their penises!
  
  
• The beloved Colonel Sanders actually left a chunk of his inheritance to the KKK.
  
  
• A babysitter watching an infant for a vacationing family died of a drug overdose, and the family came home to find the baby still strapped to the high chair, dead.

• In some restaurants in Taiwan one can order roast fetus.
  
  
• Car mechanics are copying house keys when people leave their cars to be serviced and sneaking into houses at night and raping everyone in sight.
  
  
• And to top it off, I just found out the Vans shoes I wear have several symbolic Stars of David on them, so every time I take a step, I'm inadvertently "stomping out Jews."

My racist shoe.

Panic! Panic! Panic! Everything you read on the internet is true!

To somebody, at least.

This whole let's-forward-bad-information-because-it's-super-important thing is still an epidemic, and it's starting to irritate me.

I don't really care too much about the funny ones (like the Darwin awards or the Stella awards, which I think are awesome.) It's the ones that are so obviously false, but still cause panic because people have this better-safe-than-sorry attitude.

I know I've mentioned Snopes.com before, and I'm going to mention it again. Every single time someone forwards you an email that says something like zomg Barack Obama is Bin Laden'z god son!!!1!!eleventy! head on over to Snopes, and paste a sentence or two from the email into the search bar. Odds are if you've gotten that email, several people have and there's already an entry. In most cases, you might be surprised at how old that email really is, too.

Now I just need to forward this post to my mother.

(On a similar note, for consumer-based scams and hoaxes--get a free Xbox for clicking this link! sort of stuff--check out ScamBusters.)

Attack of the skunky lobster vaginas!

I just saw this commercial on TV whilst watching a rather entertaining episode of Divorce Court:



I'm glad there's finally a commercial out there that isn't afraid to utilize the time-honored art of metaphor.