IMDB, Sally, and the Black Eyed Peas

So, out of sheer boredom I was going through IMDB today and saw something absolutely horrifying. But to understand why I'm so jacked up right now, unable to do anything but suck my thumb and peck out this blog post, we have to back up.

If you look at the list of previous Grammy winners, you can't help but notice that in 2007, the best pop performance by a group went to Black Eyed Peas for their masterwork, My Humps.

I know I have mentioned this song before, but I need to revisit it for you to understand the scope of my horror. If you don't know the song (aka you've been living in a cave), you may listen to and watch the video on Youtube here.

Here are the lyrics:

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin' fly
Brother I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass �n,
Seven Jeans, True Religion's,
I say no, but they keep givin'
So I keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrating.

My love (love), my love, my love, my love (love)
You love my lady lumps (love),
My hump, my hump, my hump (love),
My humps they got you,

She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Let's spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I'm really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
You can look but you can't touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man, boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
In the back and in the front (lumps)
My lovin' got you,

She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

(A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha) [x4]

She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spendin' time on me
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

[Will.i.am]
So real [x17]

I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert when it comes to noticing poetic excellence, but my radar is way off on this one. On the official Grammy website, it states:

A GRAMMY is awarded by The Recording Academy's voting membership to honor excellence in the recording arts and sciences. It is truly a peer honor, awarded by and to artists and technical professionals for artistic or technical achievement, not sales or chart positions

If that song represents the greatest artistic achievement in pop in 2006, then I weep for the music industry.

ANYWAY the greatest tragedy in all of this isn't that (the pop, rock, and rap categories of) the Grammy Awards are hopelessly overrun with popularity-and-not-talent-voting idijits. No. It's this:

Sally. Sally Brown. Charlie Brown's little sister.

She's grown up to be a whore.

WTF are you talking about, you may say. I'll tell you what I'm talking about. Look at Fergie aka Stacy Ferguson (the female singer in Black Eyed Peas)'s IMDB page.

There at the bottom you'll see what has mentally brought me to my knees.

Fergie was the voice of Sally in the 80's.

You see, the Peanuts comic strip and television specials have always had a special place in my heart. I collected all the Peanuts books. I shared Charlie Brown's disdain at humanity's cruelty. I understood the complexity of Snoopy and Woodstock's relationship. I sympathized with Marcie's unrequited love for the yet-to-discover-herself Peppermint Patty.

And I wondered, more than once, how Sally would turn out once she blossomed into an adult.

Now I know.

Woahhh, you may say. Put on the brakes. Number one, Sally is a fictional character and Stacy Ferguson is an actress. Number two, Fergie isn't a whore anyway. She's just a singer! ("I ain't promiscuous")

Here's the thing. I know all that. I know Sally is just a drawing. I know Fergie's "My Humps" persona is as much as a fictional character as Edward Scissorhands and Captain Kangaroo.

But
I
Can't
Get
It
Out
Of
My
Head

There's something sacred about the Peanuts. Their legacy shouldn't be tarnished with such associations. I know it's irrational and stupid, but sometimes these connections just stick in your mind, eating away at your brain.

From now on whenever I hear this:

So delicious (It's hot hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock rock)
So delicious (They want a slice of what I got)
I'm Fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty)

I really hear:

So delicious (It's hot hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock rock)
So delicious (They want a slice of what I got)
I'm Sallylicious (t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty)


I don't want Sally to put me on rock rock!

Damn you, IMDB for revealing the truth! Damn you, Fergie! Damn you both to hell!

UPDATE: I see Jodie Sweetin from Full House played Sally as well. Great. A meth addict.