Naughty Google Gmail! Naked Ninja Sumo Wrestlers!

A quick addendum to the Gmail Ninja theme post earlier.

I noticed the link for this image:

Is https://mail.google.com/mail/images/2/5/ninja/cv_scene_sumo1.png

while most of the others don't have a "1" after them, so out of curiosity, I changed the link to

https://mail.google.com/mail/images/2/5/ninja/cv_scene_sumo.png and this is what popped up:

Haha.

When you sign up for themes it demands to know where you live. I wonder if those outside the US see the naughtier version? Or maybe the Google overlords saw the nekkid female sumo pic and demanded the bodysuit.

Either way, I'm scarred. I wonder if there are any other naked ninja/sumo pictures out there.

Gmail Themes features awesome Ninja pictures

The other day when I logged into Gmail, I was greeted with the ability to add a theme to the look of my lovely gmail. Apparently this hasn't been rolled out for everybody, but I am one of the lucky ones. Wooohooo!



They give you several choices, and I, of course, chose the ninja theme.





(Does anyone know what that says?)


I suspect most people have chosen the ninja theme. Why? Because ninjas kick ass, that's why. I'm sure by now if you've spent some time on the internet, you know the three main facts about ninjas:

1. Ninjas are mammals
2. Ninjas fight all the time
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people

Anyway, the cool thing about the ninja gmail theme (and I'm assuming the other themes as well, but I don't know for sure) is that it's constantly changing. There's a little image at the bottom of the emails that's different every day. Here's what I've seen so far:

Update, Naked Ninja Easter Egg? found.

Neat! I'll update this as I see new ones.

Budget recipes the whole family can enjoy: The Joy of Cooking (Humans)

Thanksgiving will be here in a couple days, and Meredyth and I are putting together our playbook for Thursday. We're going to be a little different this year, budgets being tight and all, so we're getting our recipes from some ... unique ... cookbooks:

The first is Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. Yum yum. One may find this gem on Lulu.

The only problem with this book is getting enough ingredients to fill the icecube trays for the delicious dessert, Cumsicles.

Unfortunately, this can be a real problem unless we want to bring the neighbors in on the action, so we can only handle one or two recipes before Meredyth's wrist gets tired. As a result we have to go to some other recipe books as well.

Next up is from the open-source WikiBooks. Sure, I threw up in my mouth when I first saw this, but I just have to close my eyes and remind myself it's natural and that people actually do this.

I can't bring myself to post a picture, so I'll just put a link instead. Placenta Recipes. I especially like the warning about eating uncooked placenta. I'll have to remember that.

Mmmmmm Placenta with Broccoli, baby-side up. Again, getting the ingredients might be an issue. But I'm sure we'll manage.

Of course we may have to bring in the neighbors after all, especially if we to use some of these recipes for the distinguishing cannibal.

Or better yet, we can go the Two Girls method and use something renewable.

Here's a tip to all you would-be bloggers out there. Never turn off the Google Images' "Safe Search" when looking for things about drinking urine.

Here's a bonus recipe from a Turn-of-the-Century cookbook I got from this cool website.

Roast Beaver a la Michigan

• 1 beaver
• Baking soda
• Salt
• Sliced onions
• Strips of bacon or salt pork

Remove all surface fat from beaver. Cover meat with a weak solution of soda and water (1 tsp sod to 1 qt of water) Parboil by simmering gently for 10 minutes. Drain, place meat in roaster, sprinkle with salt, cover with sliced onions, strips of bacon, and roast in moderate oven (350 degrees F) until well done. Serve at once. Beaver should be cooked until the meat almost falls off the bones

I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair.

Art that doesn't suck

I think there are as many types of art as there are people who fancy themselves artists. There are people who say all art is beautiful in its own way. That's BS. Most art sucks.

That said, there's some art that's so compelling you can't stop thinking about it. Some of it is compelling just because of the way it's done, the medium.

One example is that street perspective chalk art by Julian Beaver I'm sure you've all fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd: seen before.

Another cool innovative art medium is garbage shadow art. These are done by Tim Noble and Sue Webster and they basically make sculpture out of garbage that looks like a pile of garbage until you shine a light on it and allow it to cast a shadow. Then it transforms into something else. Behold the neat-o-ness:

(This piece was unfortunately destroyed in a fire.)

Here's street art meeting stop-motion animation from Argentinian artist Blu. He draws a picture on a wall, snaps a picture, and then erases it and does the next frame. Over and over and over. It's one of the coolest things I've seen in a while.

(A couple people have been whining that I've been putting too much media on this site lately, and that's probably true, but I believe this post will knock the Skittles one off the front page, so it all evens out. )

All of these are very cool, but do we like it just because the medium is different, or do we like it because the medium is different AND what they're trying to say gets to us? And while the second of those two is undoubtedly the most important, can we get away with just the first?

I think about this a lot, especially in terms of writing. Just because you have a great idea that's different, you still have to pull it off. And that's why there's so much crap out there.

My New Mac Keyboard Rocks my Socks

I know I'm a bit behind the times, but I've had this new Mac keyboard for a bit now, and I've decided it's the greatest invention this world has seen since the advent of the Rotato or internet midget porn.

It's about as thick as a magazine (Newsweek, Time, not one of those ridiculous wedding magazines), has perfectly-sized keys and it's perfect for my mega-sloppy typing style. Most of all it's fast. Lightning fast.

My second computer at work is a PC and has the standard Dell keyboard which was fine and dandy until I tried the Mac one. Going back to the PC keyboard is like going from a Ferrari to a U-Haul truck.

That extra millisecond it takes to mash the key on the Dell keyboard the quarter of a centimeter farther seems to make a huge difference, for me at least. I took one of those free internet typing test dealies, and I did it on my Mac and then a few minutes later, I took the same test again on the PC. On the Mac I was at 75 words a minute. On the PC I was at 62.

I have read some reviews where people don't like this Mac keyboard that much, but those people are wrong. They're so wrong they should be removed from their homes and strung up.

"Death to the Naysayers"

Some Housekeeping

Blogrolling.com looks like it's never going to work correctly again, and Blogger now has its own blog list anyway, so I've gone ahead and redid my blogroll ----> If you're not on that list and you used to be and/or you want to trade links with me and you're not a spam site, drop me a note and we can exchange links.

I also added the voting thingy. I thought of a brilliant poll. Please vote. It looks pitiful with 'zero' votes.

My daughter is obsessed with kangaroos

My three-year-old daughter Helena likes kangaroos. A lot.

I think obsession may be a more correct term. Or maybe even addiction. I don't know when/where/why/how it started.

She talks about them constantly. She dreams about them. She draws them. She whispers about them to her potty.

She has studied them extensively through books, television, the internet, looking for them out her window, and by playing with her vast array of kangaroo paraphernalia thanks to her recent birthday.

She has even gone as far as trying to live as a kangaroo by blending in with them. Believe it or not, this isn't an actual kangaroo. This is her:

As a result of her extensive studies, she has become the neighborhood's foremost authority on the Macropus fuliginosus and its varieties. Like with most foremost experts, she has allowed her knowledge to get to her head, and she is constantly lecturing me and anyone who will listen about her favorite marsupial.

I have, however, learned some pretty interesting facts about kangaroos thanks to her, and I thought I'd share them with you:

1) Baby kangaroos are called joeys. If someone named Joey happens to be on TV or someplace else, they are obviously a kangaroo in disguise, and their mommy is looking for them.

2) Kangaroos live in Australia. That's over there (point to your left and up). Grampa goes there.

3) They hop a lot. They sing when they hop. It goes like this: "Hop dop a la la!"

4) They are outside. They are outside right now. One may be looking in the window at you this very moment.

5) Some kangaroos carry guns and/or lasers. That doesn't mean they're bad, though.

6) Though some kangaroos are evil, and their mothers don't love them. These evil kangaroos live with the Monkey People.

7) Some, however, are good. Santa visits these kangaroos. He puts presents in their mother's pouches.

8) Kangaroo's nipples are in their pouches, but they're not hairy like my nipples.

My weak knowledge of course is only rudimentary, but I am learning. I'm learning more every day.

You Can't Do That On Public Access Television

Sometimes I think the internet has reached critical mass, where every possible wtf has been wtf'd, and it's finally time to just shut it off and walk away. And then I see something like this and my faith in the power of the net to continuously flabbergast me is once again renewed. This is from a public access television show in NY called Goddesses. It's apparently about plus-sized women.



Wow. It's amazing how only on the internet you can find something that is simultaneously excruciating and hilarious. I think if there really is a hell, it involves sitting in a chair with your eyelids forced open like in A Clockwork Orange and being forced to watch public access from around the country.

Here in Tucson we have a decent public access television scene, but it seems it's mostly JESUS RULES / Astrology / Mexican music fiesta shows. It's interesting enough for a while, but it gets repetitive and boring after about 15 minutes. Goddesses aside, I strongly suspect that's how it is most everywhere.

Though there are always jewels here and there. My favorites are always the conspiracy-theory ones. We don't have too many of those, I'm afraid. There is one called 666 is Money that's a bit scary.

You can't watch, but you can't look away, either:



One of these days, I'll do a Fireflies in the Cloud, the TV show. Until then, you guys will have to settle for the blog.

The Top 10 Creepiest, weirdest Skittles Commercials of all Time

I like Skittles. My jaw always hurts after I eat too many of them because they're a bit too hard, but I've survived so far.

Anyway... The people who do the marketing for Skittles are batshit crazy and/or evil geniuses. I saw #2 on this list last night on Digg, and I thought I'd see what other freaky-ass commercials they have out there. Holy crap. I remember #1 gave me nightmares when it first came out. I've never seen #3 before, but that's going to give me nightmares tonight.


Here's my top 10. (With 3 bonus ones added at the end for a total of 13)

If you only have time for a couple of these, definitely skip down to 1-3. *shudder*

10 The Singing Bunny




9 Milk Man




8 Buff Angel



7 Suction Machine



6 Leaky Skittles



5 Skittles Beard




4 Elephant Tiger



3 Human Pinata



2 Foot Fetish commercial



1 Sheep-Human hybrid commercial



Welcome Fark people. People keep mentioning the "Skittles Touch" commercial and others, so here are some honorable mentions:

Skittles Touch:



Bird Man:



Philosopher:

The First Commandment of TV Court Show Bailiffs: Introducing Byrd's Rule

Ever since I was a kid, I've been a fan of small-claims court shows. I watched the original People's Court and Divorce Court every chance I got. I mean, who could forget this theme music:




But I got older, and People's Court, even though it was still on, was getting harder to find, and I stopped watching it. It eventually went off the air sometime in the early 90's, and I thought the genre was dead.

But everything changed in September of 1996 when a small syndicated television series debuted. Judge Judy. It eventually grew to the be the top-rated daytime television series in America, and as a result several good, bad, and ugly courtroom series have come and gone onto the daytime television scene.

But my favorite characters of all these shows usually isn't the judge. It's not the narrator or the smarmy post-case interviewer.

No, it's their trusty sidekicks. The Bailiffs. The solid, stoic manifestations of justice who stand guard at the judge's side, forever ushering plaintiffs and defendants in and out of court, bringing papers and evidence up to the judge, stepping in the way when someone tries to approach the bench without permission, occasionally laying the smackdown on an unruly litigant, and--most of all--providing a massive amount of comic relief.

First off, no one will ever replace the greatest Bailiff of all time. Rusty from People's Court.

Unfortunately Rusty Burrell died in 2002, but his legacy will never die.

Today's TV bailiffs are a mixed bag. You have the awesome (Byrd from Judge Judy, Joe from Divorce Court, and Josephine from the earlier seasons of the new People's Court) and you have the sucky ones (robot Doyle Devereux from Judge Mathis who, unlike many of the other bailiffs, has never worked as a real-life law enforcement officer or Firefighter-turned-bailiff Pete from Judge Maria Lopez who won't ever shut up).

But there's something I'm sure many of you have noticed, but maybe not thought too much about. It's an unspoken, unwritten rule of TV Bailiffs. And even though I don't like this rule one bit, I want to make this rule official. Here it is:

"For every Court Television series that has come out since 1996, the bailiff is always either a different ethnicity or gender than the judge, and in many cases, both."

I will call this "Byrd's Rule."



Observe:

Judge Judy
1996-Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Judy Sheindlin Judge's claim to fame: Became famous for yelling a lot. She's funny.	Petri Hawkins-Byrd

The New People's Court
1997 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Ed Koch Judge's claim to fame: Mayor of New York.	Josephine Ann Longobardi
Jerry Sheindlin Judge's claim to fame: Judge Judy's husband
Marilyn Milian Judge's claim to fame: Like the fist of an angry god.	Douglas McIntosh

Judge Joe Brown
1997 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Joe Brown Judge's claim to fame: Presided of James Earl Ray's last appeal. Shamelessly prefers hot litigants over ugly ones.	"Miss Holly" Evans Sonia Montejano

Judge Mathis
1999 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Greg Mathis Judge's claim to fame: Was a juvenile delinquent that "got a second chance."	Brendan Anthony Moran (Killed himself in 2002) Doyle Devereux

Judge Mills Lane
1999-2001

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Mills Lane Judge's claim to fame: Was a boxing ref who presided over Tyson biting Holyfield's ear. Om nom nom.	I don't know what her name is.

The New Divorce Court
1999 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Mablean Deloris Ephriam Judge's claim to fame: Although she was a lawyer, she never served as a judge before this show. She's funny. Judge Lynn Toler Judge's claim to fame: She's hotter and asks for less money than Mablean.	Joe "I kick ass" Catalano

Moral Court
2000 to 2001

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Larry Elder Judge's claim to fame: Famous conservative/libertarian radio talk show host.	Russell Brown

Texas Justice
2001 to 2005

Judge:	Bailiff:
Larry Joe Doherty Judge's claim to fame: Wears a cowboy hat. Ran for congress and lost.	William Bowers

Judge Alex
2005 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Alex Ferrer Judge's claim to fame: Used to be a cop.	Victor Scott

Cristina’s Court
2006-Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Cristina Pérez Judge's claim to fame: Had a Spanish-language court show first.	Renard Spivey

Judge Hatchett
2000 - Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Glenda Hatchett Judge's claim to fame: Kind of like Judge Judy, but not as mean. Likes to have Moral Courtesque cases that aren't really about anything. "I'm suing you because your hair is ugly."	Tom O’Riordan

Judge Maria Lopez
2006 - Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Maria Lopez Judge's Claim to Fame: She became nationally famous after giving a child kidnapper/sex offender probation. Makes outrageously bad decisions based on her "gut."	Pete Rodriguez

Judge David Young
2007 - Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge David Young Judge's claim to fame: He's openly gay. Forces litigants to hug a lot.	Tawnya Young

Judge Karen
2008 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Karen Mills-Francis Judge's claim to fame: She wears a red robe, and that makes her different.	Christopher Gallo

Many of these shows have come and gone, and there are quite a few I've missed. I challenge any of you to find one that's come out in the past 12 years other than Animal Court that doesn't follow Byrd's Rule.

(Animal Court was a show on Animal Planet that featured Judge Wapner and Rusty the Bailiff, so that one doesn't count.)

I suspect for the first couple shows on this list, Byrd's Rule was more of a random casting decision than a deliberate effort at PC-ness. But by the time you hit the year 2000, every show that's come out has gone out of their way to make sure the bailiff is balanced with the judge. Don't get me wrong.... Josephine, Byrd, Joe, all absolutely brilliantly cast in their roles. But when you start to see show after show after show with this forced Skittles courtroom. It's silly, and it's racist.

Racist, you say? How is that possibly racist? It's racist because a specific group was deliberately left out of the casting process. For Judge Karen (which is a pretty good show, btw. I watched it for the first time today since I was home attending to a sick Meredyth) there was no chance in the world a black female bailiff, like Miss Young from Judge David Young, would've gotten that part. No chance. And conversely, a gay white dude like Richard Simmons would never, ever get the part of the bailiff on Judge David Young. It's racism, pure and simple, and it's a type of racism that's still accepted today.

And remember kiddies, don't take the law into your own hands. You take them to court.