Every year, I do my taxes, e-file them then spend five minutes searching around trying to find the stupid link to the chart that tells you when you get your money.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, look no more. That link is here. (It's a pdf)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition hits Tucson...
...and I'm a television star! Woohoo!
So, that television show my lovely spouse hates just rolled into town. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Not only have they descended upon Tucson, but they've descended upon my parent's neighborhood. Both my parents and Meredyth's dad live in the same neighborhood in Tucson's foothills, and just a few houses down from both of them lives a family whose house is at this very moment in the process of being rebuilt for Sunday night television.
All pictures in this post were taken by me. You can click on them to make them bigger.
If you don't know what Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is, I can sum it up with a haiku:
The whole process takes six days, and my parent's neighborhood is currently on day 3. The whole street is cordoned off and guarded by roving security. Producers and stars on segways roll around and talk into walkie talkies. Trailers are set up on the street. Giant, football-stadium-like lights are raised, and for 24/7 the whole property is destroyed and rebuilt by an army of volunteers who yell a lot.
I was a bit surprised they chose a family in this neighborhood because it seems most families on the show tend to be pretty poor. Both parents are lawyers, and it's a *very* nice neighborhood with 1/2 million dollar homes. But the house was supposedly falling apart and one of the daughters has a rare blood disease, so I guess it all evens out.
Anyway, the people being my parent's neighbors and all, I signed up to volunteer. Since I had a decent-sized camera, I was chosen to be an extra in a scene they were filming. The scene involves a fashion runway setup in front of the old house with models and some of the show personalities walking the runway wearing clothes made out crap from the house.
I was a paparazzo. I still had to wear the blue shirt and red hardhat, but that was my character.
I'm extremely jaded by the whole magic of television process. Every "spontaneous" scene was done many times, even when you see people walking down the street in a parade cheering, or Ty running into the house to start destroying crap. They do it twice, then they do it again, only they pretend to cheer and remain completely silent. Also, Mr. Pennington wears an earpiece, and he's fed what to say into it, including all his witty jabs. *sigh* My television has been lying to me all these years.
We did the whole fashion show segment--which will probably take up 20 seconds of screen time when the show airs in March--several times, including twice with the cheering crowd gone, so everything was completely silent except Ty and Ed making their commentary and the click of our cameras.
Assuming they don't cut the segment completely, I'll definitely be on television--my torso and camera at least--when it airs.
I'm going to have to start getting pedicures and destroying hotel rooms.
Here is a flickr set with more exciting pictures all taken by me. Also here's a youtube video by someone else that was made during the filming of this. I'm one of the putzes on stage.
(On a side note, I learned after all this had happened... When my son was 6 months old, my mother was watching him and took him for a walk with her dog. They were attacked by a pit bull and a chow who messed up my mom's dog pretty good. It was their family--the people getting the new house--whose dogs attacked. If I had known that at the time, I probably never would've volunteered. To be fair, they put the dogs under the needle and paid the vet bills, but still! Hmmmph.)
So, that television show my lovely spouse hates just rolled into town. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Not only have they descended upon Tucson, but they've descended upon my parent's neighborhood. Both my parents and Meredyth's dad live in the same neighborhood in Tucson's foothills, and just a few houses down from both of them lives a family whose house is at this very moment in the process of being rebuilt for Sunday night television.
All pictures in this post were taken by me. You can click on them to make them bigger.
The house
If you don't know what Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is, I can sum it up with a haiku:
Sappy sob story
They live in a crappy house
Ty takes off his shirt
They live in a crappy house
Ty takes off his shirt
The whole process takes six days, and my parent's neighborhood is currently on day 3. The whole street is cordoned off and guarded by roving security. Producers and stars on segways roll around and talk into walkie talkies. Trailers are set up on the street. Giant, football-stadium-like lights are raised, and for 24/7 the whole property is destroyed and rebuilt by an army of volunteers who yell a lot.
I was a bit surprised they chose a family in this neighborhood because it seems most families on the show tend to be pretty poor. Both parents are lawyers, and it's a *very* nice neighborhood with 1/2 million dollar homes. But the house was supposedly falling apart and one of the daughters has a rare blood disease, so I guess it all evens out.
Anyway, the people being my parent's neighbors and all, I signed up to volunteer. Since I had a decent-sized camera, I was chosen to be an extra in a scene they were filming. The scene involves a fashion runway setup in front of the old house with models and some of the show personalities walking the runway wearing clothes made out crap from the house.
I was a paparazzo. I still had to wear the blue shirt and red hardhat, but that was my character.
The Catwalk. The dude standing there is the director.
My job was to make my camera flash as much as possible and to not piss off the host of the show, Ty Pennington. The catwalk was surrounded by people and photographers, and some of us, myself included, actually stood on the platform with Ty Pennington and Ed Sanders, another host of the show, whilst taking pictures.
I'm extremely jaded by the whole magic of television process. Every "spontaneous" scene was done many times, even when you see people walking down the street in a parade cheering, or Ty running into the house to start destroying crap. They do it twice, then they do it again, only they pretend to cheer and remain completely silent. Also, Mr. Pennington wears an earpiece, and he's fed what to say into it, including all his witty jabs. *sigh* My television has been lying to me all these years.
We did the whole fashion show segment--which will probably take up 20 seconds of screen time when the show airs in March--several times, including twice with the cheering crowd gone, so everything was completely silent except Ty and Ed making their commentary and the click of our cameras.
Notice the cameras on me
So, I'm famous now. I did such a brilliant job they offered to fire that Ty Pennington dude and put me up as his replacement, but he started crying, so I declined. You owe me one, Ty!Assuming they don't cut the segment completely, I'll definitely be on television--my torso and camera at least--when it airs.
I'm going to have to start getting pedicures and destroying hotel rooms.
Here is a flickr set with more exciting pictures all taken by me. Also here's a youtube video by someone else that was made during the filming of this. I'm one of the putzes on stage.
(On a side note, I learned after all this had happened... When my son was 6 months old, my mother was watching him and took him for a walk with her dog. They were attacked by a pit bull and a chow who messed up my mom's dog pretty good. It was their family--the people getting the new house--whose dogs attacked. If I had known that at the time, I probably never would've volunteered. To be fair, they put the dogs under the needle and paid the vet bills, but still! Hmmmph.)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Damn you microsoft and your double charges!
Being the ever responsible internet citizen, I bought Microsoft Office through the Home Use program at my work since we recently got a new desktop pc at home. It was free +shipping ($21.47!), but it was the Enterprise version of Microsoft Office, so what the heck.
That was way back on December 1st. They never bother charging me until yesterday.
Bam. 21.47
Bam. 21.47
They charged me twice, the rotten bastards.
That's what I get for doing everything the nice and legal way. I'm just going to use Open Office from now on. (Which is still nice and legal... and free.)
I called the 1-800 number on the charge to bitch, and there's a message: "We are currently experiencing a heavy call volume. If you're calling about a double charge on your account, we are aware of the issue, and it will be resolved in 24-48 hours."
It makes me feel better that I'm not alone. And it makes me feel better the poor saps working the phones are getting hollered at left and right today.
Of course, it's a perfect way for a temporary cash infusion. Just charge everybody twice! Only about 75% of them will notice and complain.
I hate you, Microsoft. I spit on you! Pttew!
That was way back on December 1st. They never bother charging me until yesterday.
Bam. 21.47
They charged me twice, the rotten bastards.
That's what I get for doing everything the nice and legal way. I'm just going to use Open Office from now on. (Which is still nice and legal... and free.)
I called the 1-800 number on the charge to bitch, and there's a message: "We are currently experiencing a heavy call volume. If you're calling about a double charge on your account, we are aware of the issue, and it will be resolved in 24-48 hours."
It makes me feel better that I'm not alone. And it makes me feel better the poor saps working the phones are getting hollered at left and right today.
Of course, it's a perfect way for a temporary cash infusion. Just charge everybody twice! Only about 75% of them will notice and complain.
I hate you, Microsoft. I spit on you! Pttew!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Review: The Razor Thin Shaver by Bell and Howard As Seen on TV
So, amongst all the great gifts I got for Christmas and my birthday, one particular gift stood out after I unwrapped it. It was all slick and nice and shiny and sexy and it had my favorite logo of all time emblazoned across it:
It's the As Seen on TV Razor Thin Shaver by Bell and Howard. Woohoo! A razor! And it's thin! On the commercial, it shows the dude shaving his face while driving to work, and that's something I've always wanted to do ever since I read this article.
It looks like this.
You can see the official website at http://www.razorthinshaver.com/
It is in fact, very thin. A couple batteries, click and it's buzzing away like a chainsaw.
I couldn't wait to try it out. It being Christmas and all, I had a couple days worth of fuzz on my face. Like Ralphie all excited to shoot his eye out with his BB gun, I went to the bathroom as soon as I could, read the instructions very carefully (make sure your face is dry!), and I proceeded to attempt to shave.
Let's go back to the word "chainsaw."
It's the As Seen on TV Razor Thin Shaver by Bell and Howard. Woohoo! A razor! And it's thin! On the commercial, it shows the dude shaving his face while driving to work, and that's something I've always wanted to do ever since I read this article.
It looks like this.
You can see the official website at http://www.razorthinshaver.com/
It is in fact, very thin. A couple batteries, click and it's buzzing away like a chainsaw.
I couldn't wait to try it out. It being Christmas and all, I had a couple days worth of fuzz on my face. Like Ralphie all excited to shoot his eye out with his BB gun, I went to the bathroom as soon as I could, read the instructions very carefully (make sure your face is dry!), and I proceeded to attempt to shave.
Let's go back to the word "chainsaw."
Hmmm. Maybe not chainsaw.
Okay, imagine this. You have a psychotic enemy whose hatred for you burns hotter than the very center of the sun. They kidnap you, and they encase your head in a bowl filled with starving and pmsing fire ants trained in the dark arts.
All while you have acid sprayed in your face.
This thing does not cut the hair on your face. It attempts to uproot each and every individual hair, only to give up the moment before each hair is released from your face for maximum pain. It finds pain receptors that have never before been found, and it exploits them to their full potential.
It has no mercy. It has no soul. The person who invented this razor made a pact with Satan, sealed with the tears of puppies, so this thing could be unleashed upon beards on Christmas morning across the world.
I swear to god I would rather be waterboarded than attempt to shave my face with this thing ever again. I'm not even joking.
To this day I'm suffering from PTSD. I need to find a support group or something.
Okay, imagine this. You have a psychotic enemy whose hatred for you burns hotter than the very center of the sun. They kidnap you, and they encase your head in a bowl filled with starving and pmsing fire ants trained in the dark arts.
All while you have acid sprayed in your face.
This thing does not cut the hair on your face. It attempts to uproot each and every individual hair, only to give up the moment before each hair is released from your face for maximum pain. It finds pain receptors that have never before been found, and it exploits them to their full potential.
It has no mercy. It has no soul. The person who invented this razor made a pact with Satan, sealed with the tears of puppies, so this thing could be unleashed upon beards on Christmas morning across the world.
I swear to god I would rather be waterboarded than attempt to shave my face with this thing ever again. I'm not even joking.
To this day I'm suffering from PTSD. I need to find a support group or something.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Iron Chef Tucson
Happy New Year.
One of my favorite tv shows has always been Iron Chef. I'm talking the original Iron Chef from Japan with crazy mystery ingredients, the bitter rivalries, the awesome chef Sakai, and most of all, one of the greatest hosts of all time, Chairman Kaga:
If you've never seen it, you're missing out on some awesome television. They still show the original episodes on the Food Network.
The best chefs from around the world come to compete against one of the three Iron Chefs in a food battle that's always based on a specific ingredient from something simple like corn to something completely bizarre and rare and expensive like black truffles that only grow on the roots of Italian trees that have been fed the blood of virgin poodles. Each chef has an hour to make their dish. They're then judged by a panel of insanely picky guest judges.
Four out of five times the winner is the Iron Chef, and the challenger goes home in shame.
While I do occasionally watch the new and not nearly as cool Iron Chef America (not to be confused with the AWESOME but cancelled Iron Chef USA hosted by William Shatner), it's not the same.
Since I have yet to conquer the mysteries of time and space and am unable to go back in time and to Japan to attend a culinary battle in Kitchen Stadium, nor am I inclined to travel to see a taping of Iron Chef America, I am going to attend the next best thing on January 18th.
Iron Chef Tucson!
Woohoo! I already have tickets and everything. I haven't really been following it too much since it's mostly been talked about on radio stations I don't listen to, but I am going to attend the grand final between reigning champion Albert Hall and challenger Ramiro Scavo.
I have twelve days to find a suitable Kaga costume for the event. I can't wait.
One of my favorite tv shows has always been Iron Chef. I'm talking the original Iron Chef from Japan with crazy mystery ingredients, the bitter rivalries, the awesome chef Sakai, and most of all, one of the greatest hosts of all time, Chairman Kaga:
If you've never seen it, you're missing out on some awesome television. They still show the original episodes on the Food Network.
The best chefs from around the world come to compete against one of the three Iron Chefs in a food battle that's always based on a specific ingredient from something simple like corn to something completely bizarre and rare and expensive like black truffles that only grow on the roots of Italian trees that have been fed the blood of virgin poodles. Each chef has an hour to make their dish. They're then judged by a panel of insanely picky guest judges.
Four out of five times the winner is the Iron Chef, and the challenger goes home in shame.
While I do occasionally watch the new and not nearly as cool Iron Chef America (not to be confused with the AWESOME but cancelled Iron Chef USA hosted by William Shatner), it's not the same.
Since I have yet to conquer the mysteries of time and space and am unable to go back in time and to Japan to attend a culinary battle in Kitchen Stadium, nor am I inclined to travel to see a taping of Iron Chef America, I am going to attend the next best thing on January 18th.
Iron Chef Tucson!
Woohoo! I already have tickets and everything. I haven't really been following it too much since it's mostly been talked about on radio stations I don't listen to, but I am going to attend the grand final between reigning champion Albert Hall and challenger Ramiro Scavo.
I have twelve days to find a suitable Kaga costume for the event. I can't wait.
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