Fireflies in the Cloud

URL Shorteners are cool

2009-04-29T19:04:00.006-06:00

I was bored, so I decided to see how many URL shorteners I can stack to get to this post. So far:

http://bit.ly/13tNOy

goes to

http://dwarfurl.com/5dea9

goes to

http://doiop.com/firefliesinthecloud

goes to

http://is.gd/vu07

Which goes to

http://shiveredsky.blogspot.com/2009/04/url-shorteners-are-cool.html
(Here)

I've finally found my way to Twitter

2009-04-18T23:50:00.001-06:00

I know, I know I'm a trend whore. But if it's good enough for Oprah, then I guess it's good enough for me.

Twitter.

When Can I expect My IRS Refund Check or Direct Deposit?

2009-01-31T16:58:00.002-07:00

Every year, I do my taxes, e-file them then spend five minutes searching around trying to find the stupid link to the chart that tells you when you get your money.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, look no more. That link is here. (It's a pdf)

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition hits Tucson...

2009-01-30T10:06:00.012-07:00

...and I'm a television star! Woohoo!

So, that television show my lovely spouse hates just rolled into town. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Not only have they descended upon Tucson, but they've descended upon my parent's neighborhood. Both my parents and Meredyth's dad live in the same neighborhood in Tucson's foothills, and just a few houses down from both of them lives a family whose house is at this very moment in the process of being rebuilt for Sunday night television.

All pictures in this post were taken by me. You can click on them to make them bigger.

The house

If you don't know what Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is, I can sum it up with a haiku:

Sappy sob story
They live in a crappy house
Ty takes off his shirt

The whole process takes six days, and my parent's neighborhood is currently on day 3. The whole street is cordoned off and guarded by roving security. Producers and stars on segways roll around and talk into walkie talkies. Trailers are set up on the street. Giant, football-stadium-like lights are raised, and for 24/7 the whole property is destroyed and rebuilt by an army of volunteers who yell a lot.

I was a bit surprised they chose a family in this neighborhood because it seems most families on the show tend to be pretty poor. Both parents are lawyers, and it's a *very* nice neighborhood with 1/2 million dollar homes. But the house was supposedly falling apart and one of the daughters has a rare blood disease, so I guess it all evens out.

Anyway, the people being my parent's neighbors and all, I signed up to volunteer. Since I had a decent-sized camera, I was chosen to be an extra in a scene they were filming. The scene involves a fashion runway setup in front of the old house with models and some of the show personalities walking the runway wearing clothes made out crap from the house.

I was a paparazzo. I still had to wear the blue shirt and red hardhat, but that was my character.

The Catwalk. The dude standing there is the director.

My job was to make my camera flash as much as possible and to not piss off the host of the show, Ty Pennington. The catwalk was surrounded by people and photographers, and some of us, myself included, actually stood on the platform with Ty Pennington and Ed Sanders, another host of the show, whilst taking pictures.

I'm extremely jaded by the whole magic of television process. Every "spontaneous" scene was done many times, even when you see people walking down the street in a parade cheering, or Ty running into the house to start destroying crap. They do it twice, then they do it again, only they pretend to cheer and remain completely silent. Also, Mr. Pennington wears an earpiece, and he's fed what to say into it, including all his witty jabs. *sigh* My television has been lying to me all these years.

We did the whole fashion show segment--which will probably take up 20 seconds of screen time when the show airs in March--several times, including twice with the cheering crowd gone, so everything was completely silent except Ty and Ed making their commentary and the click of our cameras.

Notice the cameras on me

So, I'm famous now. I did such a brilliant job they offered to fire that Ty Pennington dude and put me up as his replacement, but he started crying, so I declined. You owe me one, Ty!

Assuming they don't cut the segment completely, I'll definitely be on television--my torso and camera at least--when it airs.

I'm going to have to start getting pedicures and destroying hotel rooms.

Here is a flickr set with more exciting pictures all taken by me. Also here's a youtube video by someone else that was made during the filming of this. I'm one of the putzes on stage.

(On a side note, I learned after all this had happened... When my son was 6 months old, my mother was watching him and took him for a walk with her dog. They were attacked by a pit bull and a chow who messed up my mom's dog pretty good. It was their family--the people getting the new house--whose dogs attacked. If I had known that at the time, I probably never would've volunteered. To be fair, they put the dogs under the needle and paid the vet bills, but still! Hmmmph.)

Damn you microsoft and your double charges!

2009-01-29T08:47:00.004-07:00

Being the ever responsible internet citizen, I bought Microsoft Office through the Home Use program at my work since we recently got a new desktop pc at home. It was free +shipping ($21.47!), but it was the Enterprise version of Microsoft Office, so what the heck.

That was way back on December 1st. They never bother charging me until yesterday.

Bam. 21.47
Bam. 21.47

They charged me twice, the rotten bastards.

That's what I get for doing everything the nice and legal way. I'm just going to use Open Office from now on. (Which is still nice and legal... and free.)

I called the 1-800 number on the charge to bitch, and there's a message: "We are currently experiencing a heavy call volume. If you're calling about a double charge on your account, we are aware of the issue, and it will be resolved in 24-48 hours."

It makes me feel better that I'm not alone. And it makes me feel better the poor saps working the phones are getting hollered at left and right today.

Of course, it's a perfect way for a temporary cash infusion. Just charge everybody twice! Only about 75% of them will notice and complain.

I hate you, Microsoft. I spit on you! Pttew!

Review: The Razor Thin Shaver by Bell and Howard As Seen on TV

2009-01-13T12:34:00.011-07:00

So, amongst all the great gifts I got for Christmas and my birthday, one particular gift stood out after I unwrapped it. It was all slick and nice and shiny and sexy and it had my favorite logo of all time emblazoned across it:

It's the As Seen on TV Razor Thin Shaver by Bell and Howard. Woohoo! A razor! And it's thin! On the commercial, it shows the dude shaving his face while driving to work, and that's something I've always wanted to do ever since I read this article.

It looks like this.

You can see the official website at http://www.razorthinshaver.com/

It is in fact, very thin. A couple batteries, click and it's buzzing away like a chainsaw.

I couldn't wait to try it out. It being Christmas and all, I had a couple days worth of fuzz on my face. Like Ralphie all excited to shoot his eye out with his BB gun, I went to the bathroom as soon as I could, read the instructions very carefully (make sure your face is dry!), and I proceeded to attempt to shave.

Let's go back to the word "chainsaw."

Hmmm. Maybe not chainsaw.

Okay, imagine this. You have a psychotic enemy whose hatred for you burns hotter than the very center of the sun. They kidnap you, and they encase your head in a bowl filled with starving and pmsing fire ants trained in the dark arts.

All while you have acid sprayed in your face.

This thing does not cut the hair on your face. It attempts to uproot each and every individual hair, only to give up the moment before each hair is released from your face for maximum pain. It finds pain receptors that have never before been found, and it exploits them to their full potential.

It has no mercy. It has no soul. The person who invented this razor made a pact with Satan, sealed with the tears of puppies, so this thing could be unleashed upon beards on Christmas morning across the world.

I swear to god I would rather be waterboarded than attempt to shave my face with this thing ever again. I'm not even joking.

To this day I'm suffering from PTSD. I need to find a support group or something.

Iron Chef Tucson

2009-01-06T12:23:00.005-07:00

Happy New Year.

One of my favorite tv shows has always been Iron Chef. I'm talking the original Iron Chef from Japan with crazy mystery ingredients, the bitter rivalries, the awesome chef Sakai, and most of all, one of the greatest hosts of all time, Chairman Kaga:

If you've never seen it, you're missing out on some awesome television. They still show the original episodes on the Food Network.

The best chefs from around the world come to compete against one of the three Iron Chefs in a food battle that's always based on a specific ingredient from something simple like corn to something completely bizarre and rare and expensive like black truffles that only grow on the roots of Italian trees that have been fed the blood of virgin poodles. Each chef has an hour to make their dish. They're then judged by a panel of insanely picky guest judges.

Four out of five times the winner is the Iron Chef, and the challenger goes home in shame.

While I do occasionally watch the new and not nearly as cool Iron Chef America (not to be confused with the AWESOME but cancelled Iron Chef USA hosted by William Shatner), it's not the same.

Since I have yet to conquer the mysteries of time and space and am unable to go back in time and to Japan to attend a culinary battle in Kitchen Stadium, nor am I inclined to travel to see a taping of Iron Chef America, I am going to attend the next best thing on January 18th.

Iron Chef Tucson!

Woohoo! I already have tickets and everything. I haven't really been following it too much since it's mostly been talked about on radio stations I don't listen to, but I am going to attend the grand final between reigning champion Albert Hall and challenger Ramiro Scavo.

I have twelve days to find a suitable Kaga costume for the event. I can't wait.

Extreme Cow Tipping

2008-12-18T12:52:00.001-07:00

I can watch this over and over, and it never gets old.

I'm totally going to do this

2008-12-09T16:55:00.004-07:00

Read this story on MSNBC. It's about people opting for plastic surgery postmortem, so at their funerals they look better than they did when they're alive.

She's way hotter now

I'm going to get my nose done and get all tattooed.

Chris Gallo: Judge Karen's bailiff is a cool dude

2008-12-05T12:30:00.008-07:00

A couple weeks back I made a post about TV court show bailiffs and Byrd's Rule, which states, "For every Court Television series that has come out since 1996, the bailiff is always either a different ethnicity or gender than the judge, and in many cases, both."

One of the bailiffs I mentioned in that post is Christopher Gallo, who is the bailiff on Judge Karen.

Bailiff Chris Gallo

Chris was kind enough to email me yesterday and let me know he'd read my post. He provided the above better picture (which I haven't added to that post yet, but I will) since the only one I had was a screencap off of a YouTube video. He was very nice and didn't threaten to kill me, which is always a bonus. I offered him some friendly advice to raise the ratings, namely he needs to start beating people up on air.

I thought it was very spiffy of him to contact me, and I just wanted to send a shout out to Officer Gallo and let everyone know he's a cool dude.

You can learn more about him on the Judge Karen website, which I hadn't seen until today. It states in part:

Christopher Gallo serves as the bailiff on the Sony Pictures Television syndicated court show JUDGE KAREN. Gallo has more than 10 years of security and managerial experience and he brings a calming presence to Judge Karen's vibrant courtroom every day-- always keeping his composure, even in the most heated circumstances.

While keeping order on the set of JUDGE KAREN, Gallo also serves as a New York City court officer coordinating all aspects of prison and court security. Gallo became a court officer for the Office of Court Administration of New York in 2003, and he is regularly called upon to clarify points of law and procedures by district attorneys, defense attorneys and judges.
...
Born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, Gallo attended St. Francis College where he studied Business Administration. Later, he studied Industrial Communications at the Technical Career Institute.

Gallo is a Registered Armed Guard with the state of New York, has passed the Glock semi-automatic pistol course in firearms proficiency, the Basic Course for Peace Officers with firearms training, and he is proficient in general weapons training. He is also certified in Incident Response to Terrorist Bombing Awareness.

I always think it's cool when TV Court bailiffs are the real deal and not just pansy actors.

But most importantly, Chris has officially earned himself spot number 4 on the "Top Five Most Famous People who have Visited Fireflies in the Cloud and Told Me About It" list.

That list is:

1. Guy Gavriel Kay (Thanked me for mentioning Ysabel)
2. Tron Guy aka Jay Maynard (Posted in my Internet Famous post)
3. Bob and Sheri from the Bob and Sheri Show. Post about that here.
4. Chris Gallo from Judge Karen
5. Nick Sagan (Blogged about one of my earlier posts)

Since Guy Gavriel Kay is my hero, the only possible people who could knock him off the #1 spot are Blair Underwood, Tyra Banks, Charo, God, Jared from the Subway commercials, Katie Couric, The Hoff, or Blair Underwood (he would get listed twice.)

Anyway... Now when you watch Judge Karen you'll know all about the bailiff. Woohoo.

You has to be a smart'n to read me blog

2008-12-03T19:55:00.001-07:00

I got this from the blog of the excellent Writer, Michael Stone.

IMDB, Sally, and the Black Eyed Peas

2008-12-02T12:23:00.012-07:00

So, out of sheer boredom I was going through IMDB today and saw something absolutely horrifying. But to understand why I'm so jacked up right now, unable to do anything but suck my thumb and peck out this blog post, we have to back up.

If you look at the list of previous Grammy winners, you can't help but notice that in 2007, the best pop performance by a group went to Black Eyed Peas for their masterwork, My Humps.

I know I have mentioned this song before, but I need to revisit it for you to understand the scope of my horror. If you don't know the song (aka you've been living in a cave), you may listen to and watch the video on Youtube here.

Here are the lyrics:

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin' fly
Brother I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass �n,
Seven Jeans, True Religion's,
I say no, but they keep givin'
So I keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrating.

My love (love), my love, my love, my love (love)
You love my lady lumps (love),
My hump, my hump, my hump (love),
My humps they got you,

She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Let's spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I'm really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
You can look but you can't touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man, boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
In the back and in the front (lumps)
My lovin' got you,

She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

(A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha) [x4]

She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spendin' time on me
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

[Will.i.am]
So real [x17]

I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert when it comes to noticing poetic excellence, but my radar is way off on this one. On the official Grammy website, it states:

A GRAMMY is awarded by The Recording Academy's voting membership to honor excellence in the recording arts and sciences. It is truly a peer honor, awarded by and to artists and technical professionals for artistic or technical achievement, not sales or chart positions

If that song represents the greatest artistic achievement in pop in 2006, then I weep for the music industry.

ANYWAY the greatest tragedy in all of this isn't that (the pop, rock, and rap categories of) the Grammy Awards are hopelessly overrun with popularity-and-not-talent-voting idijits. No. It's this:

Sally. Sally Brown. Charlie Brown's little sister.

She's grown up to be a whore.

WTF are you talking about, you may say. I'll tell you what I'm talking about. Look at Fergie aka Stacy Ferguson (the female singer in Black Eyed Peas)'s IMDB page.

There at the bottom you'll see what has mentally brought me to my knees.

Fergie was the voice of Sally in the 80's.

You see, the Peanuts comic strip and television specials have always had a special place in my heart. I collected all the Peanuts books. I shared Charlie Brown's disdain at humanity's cruelty. I understood the complexity of Snoopy and Woodstock's relationship. I sympathized with Marcie's unrequited love for the yet-to-discover-herself Peppermint Patty.

And I wondered, more than once, how Sally would turn out once she blossomed into an adult.

Now I know.

Woahhh, you may say. Put on the brakes. Number one, Sally is a fictional character and Stacy Ferguson is an actress. Number two, Fergie isn't a whore anyway. She's just a singer! ("I ain't promiscuous")

Here's the thing. I know all that. I know Sally is just a drawing. I know Fergie's "My Humps" persona is as much as a fictional character as Edward Scissorhands and Captain Kangaroo.

But
I
Can't
Get
It
Out
Of
My
Head

There's something sacred about the Peanuts. Their legacy shouldn't be tarnished with such associations. I know it's irrational and stupid, but sometimes these connections just stick in your mind, eating away at your brain.

From now on whenever I hear this:

So delicious (It's hot hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock rock)
So delicious (They want a slice of what I got)
I'm Fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty)

I really hear:

So delicious (It's hot hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock rock)
So delicious (They want a slice of what I got)
I'm Sallylicious (t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty)

I don't want Sally to put me on rock rock!

Damn you, IMDB for revealing the truth! Damn you, Fergie! Damn you both to hell!

UPDATE: I see Jodie Sweetin from Full House played Sally as well. Great. A meth addict.

Naughty Google Gmail! Naked Ninja Sumo Wrestlers!

2008-11-25T18:26:00.005-07:00

A quick addendum to the Gmail Ninja theme post earlier.

I noticed the link for this image:

Is https://mail.google.com/mail/images/2/5/ninja/cv_scene_sumo1.png

while most of the others don't have a "1" after them, so out of curiosity, I changed the link to

https://mail.google.com/mail/images/2/5/ninja/cv_scene_sumo.png and this is what popped up:

Haha.

When you sign up for themes it demands to know where you live. I wonder if those outside the US see the naughtier version? Or maybe the Google overlords saw the nekkid female sumo pic and demanded the bodysuit.

Either way, I'm scarred. I wonder if there are any other naked ninja/sumo pictures out there.

Gmail Themes features awesome Ninja pictures

2008-11-25T09:44:00.010-07:00

The other day when I logged into Gmail, I was greeted with the ability to add a theme to the look of my lovely gmail. Apparently this hasn't been rolled out for everybody, but I am one of the lucky ones. Wooohooo!

They give you several choices, and I, of course, chose the ninja theme.

(Does anyone know what that says?)

I suspect most people have chosen the ninja theme. Why? Because ninjas kick ass, that's why. I'm sure by now if you've spent some time on the internet, you know the three main facts about ninjas:

1. Ninjas are mammals
2. Ninjas fight all the time
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people

Anyway, the cool thing about the ninja gmail theme (and I'm assuming the other themes as well, but I don't know for sure) is that it's constantly changing. There's a little image at the bottom of the emails that's different every day. Here's what I've seen so far:

Update, Naked Ninja Easter Egg? found.

Neat! I'll update this as I see new ones.

Budget recipes the whole family can enjoy: The Joy of Cooking (Humans)

2008-11-22T08:48:00.009-07:00

Thanksgiving will be here in a couple days, and Meredyth and I are putting together our playbook for Thursday. We're going to be a little different this year, budgets being tight and all, so we're getting our recipes from some ... unique ... cookbooks:

The first is Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. Yum yum. One may find this gem on Lulu.

The only problem with this book is getting enough ingredients to fill the icecube trays for the delicious dessert, Cumsicles.

Unfortunately, this can be a real problem unless we want to bring the neighbors in on the action, so we can only handle one or two recipes before Meredyth's wrist gets tired. As a result we have to go to some other recipe books as well.

Next up is from the open-source WikiBooks. Sure, I threw up in my mouth when I first saw this, but I just have to close my eyes and remind myself it's natural and that people actually do this.

I can't bring myself to post a picture, so I'll just put a link instead. Placenta Recipes. I especially like the warning about eating uncooked placenta. I'll have to remember that.

Mmmmmm Placenta with Broccoli, baby-side up. Again, getting the ingredients might be an issue. But I'm sure we'll manage.

Of course we may have to bring in the neighbors after all, especially if we to use some of these recipes for the distinguishing cannibal.

Or better yet, we can go the Two Girls method and use something renewable.

Here's a tip to all you would-be bloggers out there. Never turn off the Google Images' "Safe Search" when looking for things about drinking urine.

Here's a bonus recipe from a Turn-of-the-Century cookbook I got from this cool website.

Roast Beaver a la Michigan

1 beaver
Baking soda
Salt
Sliced onions
Strips of bacon or salt pork

Remove all surface fat from beaver. Cover meat with a weak solution of soda and water (1 tsp sod to 1 qt of water) Parboil by simmering gently for 10 minutes. Drain, place meat in roaster, sprinkle with salt, cover with sliced onions, strips of bacon, and roast in moderate oven (350 degrees F) until well done. Serve at once. Beaver should be cooked until the meat almost falls off the bones

I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair.

Art that doesn't suck

2008-11-20T12:56:00.008-07:00

I think there are as many types of art as there are people who fancy themselves artists. There are people who say all art is beautiful in its own way. That's BS. Most art sucks.

That said, there's some art that's so compelling you can't stop thinking about it. Some of it is compelling just because of the way it's done, the medium.

One example is that street perspective chalk art by Julian Beaver I'm sure you've all fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd: seen before.

Another cool innovative art medium is garbage shadow art. These are done by Tim Noble and Sue Webster and they basically make sculpture out of garbage that looks like a pile of garbage until you shine a light on it and allow it to cast a shadow. Then it transforms into something else. Behold the neat-o-ness:

(This piece was unfortunately destroyed in a fire.)

Here's street art meeting stop-motion animation from Argentinian artist Blu. He draws a picture on a wall, snaps a picture, and then erases it and does the next frame. Over and over and over. It's one of the coolest things I've seen in a while.

(A couple people have been whining that I've been putting too much media on this site lately, and that's probably true, but I believe this post will knock the Skittles one off the front page, so it all evens out. )

All of these are very cool, but do we like it just because the medium is different, or do we like it because the medium is different AND what they're trying to say gets to us? And while the second of those two is undoubtedly the most important, can we get away with just the first?

I think about this a lot, especially in terms of writing. Just because you have a great idea that's different, you still have to pull it off. And that's why there's so much crap out there.

My New Mac Keyboard Rocks my Socks

2008-11-18T13:03:00.005-07:00

I know I'm a bit behind the times, but I've had this new Mac keyboard for a bit now, and I've decided it's the greatest invention this world has seen since the advent of the Rotato or internet midget porn.

It's about as thick as a magazine (Newsweek, Time, not one of those ridiculous wedding magazines), has perfectly-sized keys and it's perfect for my mega-sloppy typing style. Most of all it's fast. Lightning fast.

My second computer at work is a PC and has the standard Dell keyboard which was fine and dandy until I tried the Mac one. Going back to the PC keyboard is like going from a Ferrari to a U-Haul truck.

That extra millisecond it takes to mash the key on the Dell keyboard the quarter of a centimeter farther seems to make a huge difference, for me at least. I took one of those free internet typing test dealies, and I did it on my Mac and then a few minutes later, I took the same test again on the PC. On the Mac I was at 75 words a minute. On the PC I was at 62.

I have read some reviews where people don't like this Mac keyboard that much, but those people are wrong. They're so wrong they should be removed from their homes and strung up.

"Death to the Naysayers"

Some Housekeeping

2008-11-15T14:07:00.003-07:00

Blogrolling.com looks like it's never going to work correctly again, and Blogger now has its own blog list anyway, so I've gone ahead and redid my blogroll ----> If you're not on that list and you used to be and/or you want to trade links with me and you're not a spam site, drop me a note and we can exchange links.

I also added the voting thingy. I thought of a brilliant poll. Please vote. It looks pitiful with 'zero' votes.

My daughter is obsessed with kangaroos

2008-11-13T17:56:00.009-07:00

My three-year-old daughter Helena likes kangaroos. A lot.

I think obsession may be a more correct term. Or maybe even addiction. I don't know when/where/why/how it started.

She talks about them constantly. She dreams about them. She draws them. She whispers about them to her potty.

She has studied them extensively through books, television, the internet, looking for them out her window, and by playing with her vast array of kangaroo paraphernalia thanks to her recent birthday.

She has even gone as far as trying to live as a kangaroo by blending in with them. Believe it or not, this isn't an actual kangaroo. This is her:

As a result of her extensive studies, she has become the neighborhood's foremost authority on the Macropus fuliginosus and its varieties. Like with most foremost experts, she has allowed her knowledge to get to her head, and she is constantly lecturing me and anyone who will listen about her favorite marsupial.

I have, however, learned some pretty interesting facts about kangaroos thanks to her, and I thought I'd share them with you:

1) Baby kangaroos are called joeys. If someone named Joey happens to be on TV or someplace else, they are obviously a kangaroo in disguise, and their mommy is looking for them.

2) Kangaroos live in Australia. That's over there (point to your left and up). Grampa goes there.

3) They hop a lot. They sing when they hop. It goes like this: "Hop dop a la la!"

4) They are outside. They are outside right now. One may be looking in the window at you this very moment.

5) Some kangaroos carry guns and/or lasers. That doesn't mean they're bad, though.

6) Though some kangaroos are evil, and their mothers don't love them. These evil kangaroos live with the Monkey People.

7) Some, however, are good. Santa visits these kangaroos. He puts presents in their mother's pouches.

8) Kangaroo's nipples are in their pouches, but they're not hairy like my nipples.

My weak knowledge of course is only rudimentary, but I am learning. I'm learning more every day.

You Can't Do That On Public Access Television

2008-11-12T22:14:00.005-07:00

Sometimes I think the internet has reached critical mass, where every possible wtf has been wtf'd, and it's finally time to just shut it off and walk away. And then I see something like this and my faith in the power of the net to continuously flabbergast me is once again renewed. This is from a public access television show in NY called Goddesses. It's apparently about plus-sized women.

Wow. It's amazing how only on the internet you can find something that is simultaneously excruciating and hilarious. I think if there really is a hell, it involves sitting in a chair with your eyelids forced open like in A Clockwork Orange and being forced to watch public access from around the country.

Here in Tucson we have a decent public access television scene, but it seems it's mostly JESUS RULES / Astrology / Mexican music fiesta shows. It's interesting enough for a while, but it gets repetitive and boring after about 15 minutes. Goddesses aside, I strongly suspect that's how it is most everywhere.

Though there are always jewels here and there. My favorites are always the conspiracy-theory ones. We don't have too many of those, I'm afraid. There is one called 666 is Money that's a bit scary.

You can't watch, but you can't look away, either:

One of these days, I'll do a Fireflies in the Cloud, the TV show. Until then, you guys will have to settle for the blog.

The Top 10 Creepiest, weirdest Skittles Commercials of all Time

2008-11-11T14:45:00.010-07:00

I like Skittles. My jaw always hurts after I eat too many of them because they're a bit too hard, but I've survived so far.

Anyway... The people who do the marketing for Skittles are batshit crazy and/or evil geniuses. I saw #2 on this list last night on Digg, and I thought I'd see what other freaky-ass commercials they have out there. Holy crap. I remember #1 gave me nightmares when it first came out. I've never seen #3 before, but that's going to give me nightmares tonight.

Here's my top 10. (With 3 bonus ones added at the end for a total of 13)

If you only have time for a couple of these, definitely skip down to 1-3. *shudder*

10 The Singing Bunny

9 Milk Man

8 Buff Angel

7 Suction Machine

6 Leaky Skittles

5 Skittles Beard

4 Elephant Tiger

3 Human Pinata

2 Foot Fetish commercial

1 Sheep-Human hybrid commercial

Welcome Fark people. People keep mentioning the "Skittles Touch" commercial and others, so here are some honorable mentions:

Skittles Touch:

Bird Man:

Philosopher:

The First Commandment of TV Court Show Bailiffs: Introducing Byrd's Rule

2008-11-07T01:00:00.003-07:00

Ever since I was a kid, I've been a fan of small-claims court shows. I watched the original People's Court and Divorce Court every chance I got. I mean, who could forget this theme music:

But I got older, and People's Court, even though it was still on, was getting harder to find, and I stopped watching it. It eventually went off the air sometime in the early 90's, and I thought the genre was dead.

But everything changed in September of 1996 when a small syndicated television series debuted. Judge Judy. It eventually grew to the be the top-rated daytime television series in America, and as a result several good, bad, and ugly courtroom series have come and gone onto the daytime television scene.

But my favorite characters of all these shows usually isn't the judge. It's not the narrator or the smarmy post-case interviewer.

No, it's their trusty sidekicks. The Bailiffs. The solid, stoic manifestations of justice who stand guard at the judge's side, forever ushering plaintiffs and defendants in and out of court, bringing papers and evidence up to the judge, stepping in the way when someone tries to approach the bench without permission, occasionally laying the smackdown on an unruly litigant, and--most of all--providing a massive amount of comic relief.

First off, no one will ever replace the greatest Bailiff of all time. Rusty from People's Court.

Unfortunately Rusty Burrell died in 2002, but his legacy will never die.

Today's TV bailiffs are a mixed bag. You have the awesome (Byrd from Judge Judy, Joe from Divorce Court, and Josephine from the earlier seasons of the new People's Court) and you have the sucky ones (robot Doyle Devereux from Judge Mathis who, unlike many of the other bailiffs, has never worked as a real-life law enforcement officer or Firefighter-turned-bailiff Pete from Judge Maria Lopez who won't ever shut up).

But there's something I'm sure many of you have noticed, but maybe not thought too much about. It's an unspoken, unwritten rule of TV Bailiffs. And even though I don't like this rule one bit, I want to make this rule official. Here it is:

"For every Court Television series that has come out since 1996, the bailiff is always either a different ethnicity or gender than the judge, and in many cases, both."

I will call this "Byrd's Rule."

Observe:

Judge Judy
1996-Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Judy Sheindlin Judge's claim to fame: Became famous for yelling a lot. She's funny.	Petri Hawkins-Byrd

The New People's Court
1997 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Ed Koch Judge's claim to fame: Mayor of New York.	Josephine Ann Longobardi
Jerry Sheindlin Judge's claim to fame: Judge Judy's husband
Marilyn Milian Judge's claim to fame: Like the fist of an angry god.	Douglas McIntosh

Judge Joe Brown
1997 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Joe Brown Judge's claim to fame: Presided of James Earl Ray's last appeal. Shamelessly prefers hot litigants over ugly ones.	"Miss Holly" Evans Sonia Montejano

Judge Mathis
1999 to Present

Judge:

Bailiff:

Judge Greg Mathis

Judge's claim to fame:
Was a juvenile delinquent that "got a second chance."

Brendan Anthony Moran (Killed himself in 2002)

Doyle Devereux

Judge Mills Lane
1999-2001

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Mills Lane Judge's claim to fame: Was a boxing ref who presided over Tyson biting Holyfield's ear. Om nom nom.	I don't know what her name is.

The New Divorce Court
1999 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Mablean Deloris Ephriam Judge's claim to fame: Although she was a lawyer, she never served as a judge before this show. She's funny. Judge Lynn Toler Judge's claim to fame: She's hotter and asks for less money than Mablean.	Joe "I kick ass" Catalano

Moral Court
2000 to 2001

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Larry Elder Judge's claim to fame: Famous conservative/libertarian radio talk show host.	Russell Brown

Texas Justice
2001 to 2005

Judge:	Bailiff:
Larry Joe Doherty Judge's claim to fame: Wears a cowboy hat. Ran for congress and lost.	William Bowers

Judge Alex
2005 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Alex Ferrer Judge's claim to fame: Used to be a cop.	Victor Scott

Cristina’s Court
2006-Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Cristina Pérez Judge's claim to fame: Had a Spanish-language court show first.	Renard Spivey

Judge Hatchett
2000 - Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Glenda Hatchett Judge's claim to fame: Kind of like Judge Judy, but not as mean. Likes to have Moral Courtesque cases that aren't really about anything. "I'm suing you because your hair is ugly."	Tom O’Riordan

Judge Maria Lopez
2006 - Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Maria Lopez Judge's Claim to Fame: She became nationally famous after giving a child kidnapper/sex offender probation. Makes outrageously bad decisions based on her "gut."	Pete Rodriguez

Judge David Young
2007 - Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge David Young Judge's claim to fame: He's openly gay. Forces litigants to hug a lot.	Tawnya Young

Judge Karen
2008 to Present

Judge:	Bailiff:
Judge Karen Mills-Francis Judge's claim to fame: She wears a red robe, and that makes her different.	Christopher Gallo

Many of these shows have come and gone, and there are quite a few I've missed. I challenge any of you to find one that's come out in the past 12 years other than Animal Court that doesn't follow Byrd's Rule.

(Animal Court was a show on Animal Planet that featured Judge Wapner and Rusty the Bailiff, so that one doesn't count.)

I suspect for the first couple shows on this list, Byrd's Rule was more of a random casting decision than a deliberate effort at PC-ness. But by the time you hit the year 2000, every show that's come out has gone out of their way to make sure the bailiff is balanced with the judge. Don't get me wrong.... Josephine, Byrd, Joe, all absolutely brilliantly cast in their roles. But when you start to see show after show after show with this forced Skittles courtroom. It's silly, and it's racist.

Racist, you say? How is that possibly racist? It's racist because a specific group was deliberately left out of the casting process. For Judge Karen (which is a pretty good show, btw. I watched it for the first time today since I was home attending to a sick Meredyth) there was no chance in the world a black female bailiff, like Miss Young from Judge David Young, would've gotten that part. No chance. And conversely, a gay white dude like Richard Simmons would never, ever get the part of the bailiff on Judge David Young. It's racism, pure and simple, and it's a type of racism that's still accepted today.

And remember kiddies, don't take the law into your own hands. You take them to court.

Can Someone Please Explain this New Mexico Thing to Me?

2008-11-04T20:05:00.003-07:00

I'm sure Obama will win New Mexico, but why would they call it so early when the counted results have McCain winning 2/3's of the vote? Can't they just frakkin' wait?

Cool and Creepy Amusement Parks

2008-11-04T13:28:00.003-07:00

This is pretty cool. They're pictures of amusement parks in North Korea.

"Let's annihilate the US imperialist aggressors!"

We recently attended one of those set-up-in-a-vacant-lot-for-a-few-days-then-disappear carnivals. It was pretty cool/lame all mixed together. The kids liked it. I have pictures that I'll post soon.

It's one of those things from childhood I'll always miss: Getting hopped up on cotton candy and churros, going on The Disemboweller, puking, then spending the rest of your money throwing darts at balloons where you can either win a Transformers or pot leaf poster. And these parks are different than your typical Disneyland/Six Flags/County Fair. The attractions themselves groan and crick and look like they're going to collapse at any moment.

I'm too smart to allow myself onto one of those machines now, but I'm definitely not too smart yet to not lose all my money.

More weird parks.

I can't frakin' wait for this frakin' election to be over. Or, how to kill an hour by spying on your friends

2008-11-01T20:23:00.006-06:00

I can't wait for Tuesday to come and go. Sweet jesus, make it stop. That said:

I just spent the better part of an hour spying on my friends and co-workers. Most everyone I know, I already know their political affiliations. But how affiliated are they? By using this link, you can shamelessly invade people's privacy by seeing who they've donated to and how much.

It's great fun.

Oh, and Bill! How could you!?!!

Click to make bigger.

I don't whether to feel sorry for this guy

2008-10-31T14:37:00.001-06:00

...or just point and laugh.

I think I'll go with point and laugh.

Greed gets ya every time.

British Writer Prosecuted for Writing Snuff Porn

2008-10-28T13:50:00.009-06:00

Here we go again. Another day, another idiotic attempt by the man to keep us writers down. (Well, in this case "The Man" is the British government and "Us" is creepy guys who write snuff porn and post it on the internet.) Read the gist:

In a test case which could have severe ramifications for free speech on the internet, a 35 year old man is being prosecuted under British obscenity laws for a story he allegedly wrote and published on the internet.

Darryn Walker did not enter a plea and was sent for trial in March next year after the prosecution decided to charge him under the “Obscene Publications Act 1959″. This is the first prosecution for written material under this law since 1991.

Walker allegedly wrote and published a story called Girls (Scream) Aloud - about pop group “Girls Aloud” - on the internet. The story describes in detail the kidnap, rape, mutilation and murder of the band members and ends with the sale of various body parts on eBay. The story was then published on the Usenet groups, in the “alt.sex” discussion groups, where it was seen by the Internet Watch Foundation, who alerted police.

Ha. Ha-ha. If we're going to be prosecuting people for posting obscene writing on the internet we better start gassing up the paddy wagons. Have they ever actually been on the internet? Or even browse the anime section at the local video store?

When I first read this I had assumed Girls Aloud--which I had never heard of until now--was a group consisting of seven-year-old girls or something. But they're not, which makes this even stupider. I guess when you add real-life people, adults or not, to the mix, the creepiness level does rise. But even then, it's still writing. No matter how terrible it is, it's still nothing more than writing. Which makes this a prosecution of a thought crime.

PLEASED W/ TRANSACTION! NICOLA'S FINGER ARRIVED BENT BUT OK A++++

(And I'm not talking about copyright and trademark infringement and all that, which is a different story. If he was being prosecuted for something like that, I wouldn't even be bothering with this.)

I'm curious, though. What was the tipping point for the Internet Watch Foundation? Their whole purpose, I thought, was to document and report cases of real-life child abuse on the net.

There were no children involved. There were no images. It's ridiculous.

So in your honor, Darryn Walker, creepy writer guy, I will now write a short story that should also get me arrested if I ever set foot in Great Britain. I encourage all of you to do the same.

"Golden Swirls" by Matt Dinniman

Once upon a time, I was walking down a dark alley, taking the garbage out. Suddenly, she appeared before me. The girl of my dreams. The woman I knew I couldn't live without. For years I had dreamt of her warm embrace. For years I had carved her name into my arm, over and over, as a sign of my TRUE LOVE for her.

Rue McClanahan. Miss Golden Girls herself.

"Yo, Rue," I said.

"Huh?" She said, backing away.

"What's happening, baby?"

"Do I know you? Get away." She looked around. But we were all alone.

"You and me. We belong together." I took another step forward.

Rue began to run, like a beautiful, elderly gazelle running off into the sunset. I chased.

Like a lion, I chased.

We did some stuff, you know, back in my basement. I got twelve bucks for a brooch I made out of some resin, a safety pin and her pituitary gland on Etsy.

Before, we could only be together twice a day, at 11 and 11:30 on the Lifetime Network. But no more. I can finally be with Rue whenever I want, and I didn't even have to buy a Tivo.

The end.

Now, with this posting I have published this story on the Internet. Your move, The Man.

Weird and bizarre art Cars and Motorcycles gallery

2008-10-27T14:17:00.009-06:00

I've always been fascinated with art cars. There's something to be said about the act of taking something mass produced and turning it into something new, bizarre, and in most cases, functional.

And since I suspect I'm never going to make it to Burning Man, here's a gallery of bizarre car and motorcycle images I've found around the net. Neat-o.

(My favorite is the chia car)

For more, check out the Flickr group.

The Two Scariest Places on Earth

2008-10-24T23:35:00.003-06:00

Door to Hell in Antarctica - Watch more free videos

I don't know which of these two is scarier. I think the second, which is in Turkmenistan.

from wikipedia:

Derweze underground is naturally rich in natural gas. In 1971, during a drilling, geologists accidentally found an underground cavern filled with natural gas. The ground on which the drilling rig was placed collapsed, leaving a large gaping hole exposed with a diameter of about 50-100 meters. To avoid poisonous gases coming out of the hole, it was decided to let the gases burn. As of 2008, gases in the underground cavern are still burning without interruption. Locals have named the cavern The Door to Hell.

That's kind of cool and scary as hell all at once.

A Murder Most Foul and Your Internet Seriousness Level Detector

2008-10-23T14:31:00.007-06:00

The news du-jour is this story of a woman in Japan who murdered her husband after he left her.

A couple things make this story a little different than your typical man-leaves-wife--wife-kills-man story. The first is the two weren't really married. In fact, it's not clear if they've even ever met. They were married in the virtual world Maple Story. The second is that the murderer didn't really kill the guy. She hacked into his account and deleted his character out of spite.

She faces five years in prison for the hacking.

While I do post on random message boards, I haven't gotten into the virtual world thing too much. I've tried Second Life, and I wasn't all that excited. Even though I'll always be a gamer at heart, I avoid MMORPGs like World of Warcraft. Maybe I'm just anti-social when it comes to games. (Though there was this one MUD I played five hours a day in the mid-90's when I first got the internet. I can't even remember the name of it now. I went by the name Kid Wicked. I was kewl, and I killed monsters.)

Although the news is certainly blowing this "murder" way out of proportion, this reminds me of something I think about a lot. Some people take interactions on the internet a lot more seriously than others. This causes problems.

I've always been a not-as-seriously as others person, and that has led to a fair amount of virtual strife on the few messages boards I frequent. Not so much now as about five, six years ago. But it begs the question, why? Why is this so?

If I call one guy on the net "A Fascist, Penis-licking Nazi Who Probably Steps on Baby Turtles Just to Watch Them Die" he doesn't even notice there was an insult in the sentence, but if I say it to someone else, I may have to make sure my doors and windows are locked that night even though I'm 1,000 miles away. And those two people could otherwise be identical in every other way from age/politics/job/time on the internet, etc.

I'm sure most of it has to do with people's real-life personalities. Some people are more sensitive than others. I get that. However, in my limited experience, a person's real-life persona is a very poor indicator of their internal-internet-seriousness-level.

From xkcd

It's a head scratcher.

Bitch.

What the Flying Fuck?

2008-10-22T13:50:00.004-06:00

I actually meant to post this a while back, but click this link. It goes to an mp3 file of someone I never heard of reading a story I wrote many moons ago that was published in this compilation of short stories about running. I found this link whilst looking on Technorati.

It's kind of weird hearing people say your words out loud, making pauses in places you didn't imagine, etc.. Especially since the guy reading doesn't seem to be all that shot in the ass about having to read it in the first place. And that music. Ho boy.

It was originally posted on http://www.enduranceplanet.com

2008 McDonald's Monopoly Contest Rare Pieces List

2008-10-22T13:26:00.003-06:00

I noticed on my statcounter that I've been getting several hundred hits a day of people searching for the list of winning Monopoly pieces, and they're all landing on an outdated page from earlier, so here's a new list. If you have one of these, it's the rare one.

According to Wikipedia

Water Works - $50 - Odds 1 in 639,000
Mediterranean Avenue - $100
Short Line Railroad - $500
Virginia Avenue - $2,000
Tennessee Avenue - $5,000
Kentucky Avenue - $10,000
Ventnor Avenue - $25,000
Pennsylvania Avenue - $50,000
Golden Avenue - $100,000
Boardwalk - $1,000,000

The UK version of the list:

Mayfair
Bond Street
Coventry Street
Strand
Marlborough Street
Northumberland Avenue
Daltof Corner
Euston Road
Old Kent Road
Liverpool St. Station

Bloody Brilliant

2008-10-21T20:47:00.003-06:00

From the failblog:

The 25 best dog costumes on the internets

2008-10-21T13:37:00.010-06:00

Halloween is coming, and with it comes the time-honored tradition of humiliating our pets. I keep finding links and pictures and galleries proclaiming "The bestest dog costume eva!!!1!!," and most of these links contain one or two good ones and a bunch of ho-hum ones. So I have decided to step up to the plate and provide you and the rest of the world with the real best list of dog costumes evah!!!!1!.

I have spent years scouring the net, holding committees, polling the public to come up with this list. No Puli went unpolled. No Dachshund went undecided. This is the list. (Unless you have something better, funnier, then by all means, feel free to show me...)

In no particular order (I'm probably wrong with some of these breeds, too):

School Bus Corgi:

Giraffe Dachshund:

Pirate Pug:

Peacock Sheltie:

Yoda Mutt:

Leia Pit:

Rabbi Wei and Weiner:

Jockey Great Dane:

Bloody Bassett:

Panda Chow:

Alligator Food Beagle:

Sir Chihuahua:

Humiliated beyond words Weimaraner:

Headless Horseman Rottie:

Witch Chinese Crested:

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep" Chihuahua:

Monkey ?? (Brussels Griffin?)

Spider Pug:

Pimp Daddy Mastiff:

Barack Chi'bama:

Lizard Poodle:

"Now I got 'im" Corgis

Cerberus Golden

Im-not-sure-what-this-is, but-it's-cute puppy:

Ghost Dogs:

My Sexy Office

2008-10-20T15:24:00.005-06:00

Some of you have been asking about my new office, so here it is. Those of you who don't know, I work here now in the Marketing Communications department. That means I design advertising, do trade show stuff, and do a lot of random, in-house graphics design. If you pick up the current (November 2008) issue of Flying magazine, for example, you can see the first ad I designed for the company.

So anyway, this is the first time I've ever had an entire office all to myself, so here it is in all its glory:

My view. Apple on the right. PC on the left. The PC will eventually go away, but I don't have all the software yet for the Mac, so in the meantime I feel like I'm working at NORAD. The picture on the screen is a Christmas Party invitation I'm working on (Notice I'm working on it with the PC and not the Mac. No Photoshop yet). It's Santa flying a cockpit voice recorder.

Another view of my desk. You can see a fancy schmancy camera back there.

Another awe-inspiring image of my exciting office.

My business card holder. I made it myself out of some phone thing they were throwing away.

This is Robert. Robert Plant. The plant lady comes every Friday to water Robert. She told me what kind of plant he is, but I forgot. It's related to corn. It's about 6 feet tall.

Mystery stain on a chair in my office. It was there when I got here. Honest.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T10:15:00.001-07:00

And Happy Birthday to you-know-who! (me.)

So what's Papa Smurf up to these days?

2007-12-20T22:00:00.000-07:00